Clean Horse Jokes

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

*As you shall make your bed so shall you......mess it up

*Better be safe than..........................punch a 5th grader

*Strike while the ............................bug is close

*It's always darkest before...................daylight savings time

*You can lead a horse to water but............how?

*Don't bite the hand that.....................looks dirty

*A miss is as good as a.......................Mr.

*You can't teach an old dog new...............math

*If you lie down with the dogs, you'll........stink in the morning

*The pen is mightier than the.................pigs

*An idle mind is..............................the best way to relax

*Where there's smoke, there's.................pollution

*Happy the bride who..........................gets all the presents

*A penny saved is.............................not much

*Two's company, three's.......................the musketeers

*Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......................................you have to blow your nose

*Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded

*When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."

The horse says "You read my mind buddy."

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class.

She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses >>>>>>>>>> until they stop running.
2. Strike while the >>>>>>>>>> bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before >>>>>>>>>> Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of >>>>>>>>>> termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but >>>>>>>>>> how?
6. Don't bite the hand that >>>>>>>>>> looks dirty.
7. No news is >>>>>>>>>> impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a >>>>>>>>>> Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new >>>>>>>>>> math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll >>>>>>>>>> stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust >>>>>>>>>> me.
12. The pen is mightier than the >>>>>>>>>> pigs.
13. An idle mind is >>>>>>>>>> the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's >>>>>>>>>> pollution.
15. Happy the bride who >>>>>>>>>> gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is >>>>>>>>>> not much
17. Two's company, three's >>>>>>>>>> the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what >>>>>>>>>> you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and >>>>>>>>>> you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as >>>>>>>>>> Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not >>>>>>>>>> spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed >>>>>>>>>> get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you >>>>>>>>>> see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind >>>>>>>>>> get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than >>>>>>>>>> pregnant.

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

I believe that earlier this year the US Postal Service also issued a set of stamps featuring american racehorses.

This must be one of the great ironies of the horse racing industry. If a horse wins its races it gets put on the front of a postage stamp. If it loses it gets put on the back!

Q: Why do they call a horse a horse?
A: Because they speak English.

Q: What has two heads, four eyes, six legs, and a tail?
A: A horse and rider.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse (a very long shot) won the race.

George was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, though another long shot, the horse won.

George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse. George bet on it and won!

George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the bank and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. George placed his bet -- every cent he owned -- and watched the horse come in last. George was dumbfounded!

He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings thanks to you!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants."

"You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

Q: How can you make a slow horse fast?
A: Don't give him any food.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom..."

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6 year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

Better to be safe than................................punch a 5th grader
Strike while the ..........................................bug is close
It's always darkest before..........................Daylight Saving Time
Never underestimate the power of.............termites
You can lead a horse to water but..............how?
Don't bite the hand that..............................looks dirty
No news is...................................................impossible
A miss is as good as a.................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..................math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll..................stink in the morning
Love all, trust..............................................me
The pen is mightier than the.......................pigs
An idle mind is.............................................the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's......................pollution
Happy the bride who...................................gets all the presents
A penny saved is.........................................not much
Two's company, three's...............................the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what...................you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose
There are none so blind as..........................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not.................spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed.........................get new batteries
You get out of something only what you.....see in the picture on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind................get out of the way
Better late than...........................................pregnant

How can you make a slow horse fast?
Don't give him any food.

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback.

If one horse is in the corral, running around the perimeter of the fence,and another horse is running free in a field, which one is singing, "Don't Fence Me In"?
Neither. Horses can't sing.

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God