Clean Email Jokes

Chocolate Test {...No cheating!!}

Take this cute chocolate test to find out your true being.

If you were buying candy and you had your choice of the following,which would you choose?

BABY RUTH
3 MUSKETEERS
BUTTERFINGERS
SNICKERS
HERSHEY'S
ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS
CLARK BAR
GOOD 'n' PLENTY
ENERGY BAR
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS

Ok - Now That We Have Your Choice, This Is What Research Says About You!!!

And NO....you can't change your mind once you scroll down. So think carefully about what your choice will be!

BABY RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day.

3 MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your sabre.

BUTTERFINGER - Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.

SNICKERS - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker - others should be cautious in shaking hands!

HERSHEY - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt.

ALMOND JOY - Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you.

CLARK BAR - You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.

GOOD 'n' PLENTY - You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person.

ENERGY BAR - Life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum.

CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS - You go to the bathroom often.

What the Job Ad says & What it means:

Advancement opportunity:
Sh*t job

Entry level
Really sh*t job

No experience necessary
The mother of all sh*t jobs

Administrative assistant
Sh*t job with a title

Ground floor opportunity
Sh*t job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

Progressive company
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team player
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities

Upbeat personality
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public relations Receptionist Professional appearance important
$20K/year that requires a $100K wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner
Be voice of 1-900-SUCK

Earn up to $300/hr:
BE 1-900-SUCK

Salary range $24K to $32K
This salary is $24K

Jeans job!
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions

B.A. required, master's preferred
Must be an M.A. and be willing to work on a B.A.'s salary

Civil service
This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Women & minorities encouraged to apply
White males need not waste the stamp

Outstanding benefits package
Health insurance

Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them in to one job.

Top-notch communication skills
Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive locations
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting

Secretary
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker

Executive secretary
The most powerful position in any company

Dedicated
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hrs/wk from now until we force you in to early retirement

Salary commensurate
We will pay whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable
We will take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary
We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job, but not one penny more

Competitive starting salary
Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere
A staff of pod people

Professional atmosphere
Zombie pod people

Fun, creative atmosphere
Pod people from hell

Dynamic atmosphere
Zombie pod people from hell

Gal Friday
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it

Self-starter
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means

There's this guy named Jacob. His favorite color is green.
He drives a green car, he has a green house, he lives in Greensboro.
One day, he's out driving in the middle of nowhere when he realizes that he's about to run out of gas.
He spots a green gas station up ahead and thinks to himself "That gas station is my favorite color, so I'll go get gas there."
After he fills his car up he sees that it's getting late outside so he looks around for a hotel he can stay at.
Sure enough, there's a green hotel right across the street.
He thinks to himself "That hotel is my favorite color, so I'll stay there for the night."
He drives across the street to the hotel and walks into the lobby where he is greeted by the clerk.
Jacob asks if there are any rooms left and the clerk responds, "You're just in time, we have only three rooms left but they are all on the 9,999th floor."
Jacob reluctantly takes the key to the room and walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs when he realizes that he left his luggage in the lobby.
He walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs, grabs his luggage, walks back up the 9,999 flights of stairs and enters his room.

There's this guy named Mason. His favorite color is red.
He drives a red car, he has a red house, he lives in Redding.
One day, he's out driving in the middle of nowhere when he realizes that he's about to run out of gas.
He spots a red gas station up ahead and thinks to himself "That gas station is my favorite color, so I'll go get gas there."
After he fills his car up he sees that it's getting late outside so he looks around for a hotel he can stay at.
Sure enough, there's a green hotel right across the street.
He thinks to himself "That hotel isn't my favorite color, but I'll stay there since there are no other hotels around."
He drives across the street to the hotel and walks into the lobby where he is greeted by the clerk.
Mason asks if there are any rooms left and the clerk responds, "You're just in time, we have only two rooms left but they are both on the 9,999th floor."
Mason reluctantly takes the key to the room and walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs when he realizes that he left his car running.
He walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs, turns his car off, walks back up the 9,999 flights of stairs and enters his room.

There's this guy named William. His favorite color is blue.
He drives a blue car, he has a blue house, he lives in Blueville.
One day, he's out driving in the middle of nowhere when he realizes that he's about to run out of gas.
He spots a blue gas station up ahead and thinks to himself "That gas station is my favorite color, so I'll go get gas there."
After he fills his car up he sees that it's getting late outside so he looks around for a hotel he can stay at.
Sure enough, there's a green hotel right across the street.
He thinks to himself "That hotel isn't my favorite color, but I'll stay there since there are no other hotels around."
He drives across the street to the hotel and walks into the lobby where he is greeted by the clerk.
William asks if there are any rooms left and the clerk responds, "You're just in time, we have only one room left but it's on the 9,999th floor."
William reluctantly takes the key to the room and walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs when he realizes that he left his cat in the car.
He walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs, gets his cat, walks back up the 9,999 flights of stairs and enters his room.

The next morning, Jacob wakes up and walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs to go eat breakfast.
He gets a bowl of Fruit Loops, walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs and goes into his room.

Then, Mason wakes up and walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs to go eat breakfast.
He makes some waffles, walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs and goes into his room.

Then, William wakes up and walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs to go eat breakfast.
He gets a bowl of Fruit Loops, walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs and goes into his room.

The moral of the story?
People prefer Fruit Loops to waffles 2 to 1