Clean Dog Jokes
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"
"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the damn dog!"
A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Why did the dog roll down the hill?
It didn?t have any legs.
There were two retired racehorses living in a pasture. Their names were Razzle and Dazzle. Every day they would race from one end of the pasture to the other. On the first day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzle pulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose. The next day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzle pulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose. The third day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzle pulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose. A dog who had been watching them race day after day finally asked them, "Why is it that Razzle always wins by a nose?" And Razzle said to Dazzle, "Look, Dazzle, a talking dog!"
A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The fire fighter looked a little closer. The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog. A building can't jump.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he has someone to stir up his fruit on the bottom.
Mitt Romney is so rich that he Fed Ex's his Christmas cards.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he hires someone to peel those stringy parts off his bananas.
Mitt Romney is so rich, that he has custom-printed deposit slips with room for more zeroes.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy all the pies in Belgium.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he's even suspicious of his dog's affection.
Mitt Romney is so rich, that if someone else eats the last cookie, he can send his cookie-boy out to get more.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could wallpaper his bathroom in $1000 bills, and it wouldn't measurably affect the value of his house.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford a Partridge Family bus with Danny Bonaduce as his driver.
Mitt Romney is so rich, his wife doesn't bother asking him to take out the trash.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he can call Warren Buffet, 'Boy'.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he's afraid to bank in person for fear that bank employees will stick him up.
Mitt Romney is so rich, his portfolio could drop 99% and he'd still be wealthier than anyone you know.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy Janet Reno's affection.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford to have the big screen version of 'Titanic' recreated live for his birthday.
Mitt Romney is so rich, that he could wear a Monica Lewinsky beret, and he would just be considered eccentric.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could fund his own ballet company with himself as the lead dancer, and it wouldn't matter if no one paid to see him.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could hire the Green Bay Packers to play the Denver Broncos in his back yard.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could host his own Olympic Games, and give out one-ton gold medals.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could afford a really cool train set running all around his house. And I don't mean a toy train.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy the press's silence regarding his naked two-man luge escapade.
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
The Man and the Dog
There is an old story about the data center of the future.
This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.
The man's job is to feed the dog.
The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.
The lil' Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud," she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?"
"Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."
You're Not Old Unless You Can Remember...
Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk or sodas.
When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
When nearly everyone's mom was home when the kids got there.
When nobody owned a purebread dog.
When you reach into a muddy water gutter for a penny.
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed... and did!
When you mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking... for free, every time and you didn't pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot!
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6 year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
Better to be safe than................................punch a 5th grader
Strike while the ..........................................bug is close
It's always darkest before..........................Daylight Saving Time
Never underestimate the power of.............termites
You can lead a horse to water but..............how?
Don't bite the hand that..............................looks dirty
No news is...................................................impossible
A miss is as good as a.................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..................math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll..................stink in the morning
Love all, trust..............................................me
The pen is mightier than the.......................pigs
An idle mind is.............................................the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's......................pollution
Happy the bride who...................................gets all the presents
A penny saved is.........................................not much
Two's company, three's...............................the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what...................you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose
There are none so blind as..........................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not.................spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed.........................get new batteries
You get out of something only what you.....see in the picture on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind................get out of the way
Better late than...........................................pregnant
My dog has no nose.
That's terrible! How does he smell?
A dog thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. They must be Gods!"
A cat thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a God!"
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Keep honking...I'm reloading
* 2 Kings 9:20
*Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
*Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
*Boldly going nowhere
*CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
*Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
*He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
*How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
*All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"