Clean Doctor Jokes
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Ze Woman, She Is Dead!
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!" before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is OK."
"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"
Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed, "Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!"
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you wa nt. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been pissing in the fridge!''
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink- plink in the toilet; and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
"You're simply going through the change"
72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Jerry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
Jerry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Jerry's wife. ' Ginger ,' he says, 'Jerry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light goes off?'
'OH MY GOD!' Ginger exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!'
Q: Have you seen the new Barbie Doctor doll?
A: You wind her up, and she operates on batteries.
A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor... "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark?"
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!."
A man visited his doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checked him out and gave him some bad news. "There are two things wrong with you," he said. "You have cancer and Alzheimer's." "Well," said the man, "at least I don't have cancer."
A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn't eating right.
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!
Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
A carrot and a tomato were walking across the street when the carrot was hit by a car. The tomato called 911. An ambulance came and took the carrot to the hospital. The tomato went to the hospital to wait for his friend, and when he got there the carrot was still in the emergency room, so the tomato paced nervously. Finally, the doctor called out, "Mr. Tomato?" The tomato went over, and asked the doctor, "How is he?" The doctor replied, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he is still alive. The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying awake looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"I see thousands of stars," replied Watson.
Then Holmes asked, "And what does that mean to you?"
"Well," said Watson "I suppose it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent!"
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,"Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask.
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."