Clean Coffee Jokes
A blonde was shopping at Walmart and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who is also blonde, saw it on her desk.
"What's that?" she asked.
"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"
"Two Popsicles and some coffee."
An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate.
The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlymen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(& foo foo coffee), but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.