Clean Car Jokes

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.

She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around.

Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

Things You WON'T Hear Down South

I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

Duct tape won't fix that.

Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

We don't keep firearms in this house.

Who cares who won the Civil War?

You can't feed that to the dog.

Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

Trim the fat off that steak.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

Honey, we don't need another dog.

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

Wrestling is fake.

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

The tires on that truck are too big.

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts, and would you please bring my salad dressing on the side?

Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

I don't have a favorite college team.

You All.

Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight.

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

There are these two guys driving a car. When the guy driving blows right through the red light.

"Man, you just ran that red light!" the passenger said.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver.

Well, they continue to drive when the guy went flying through another stop light.

"You ran ANOTHER stop light. You are going to get us killed!!" exclaimed the passenger.

"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!" the driver said.

After a while they came to a green light when the guy stopped.

"Why are you stopping?" the driver turned around and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

Introducing the new, improved MID-LIFE BARBIE:

Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic.

1. BIFOCALS BARBIE: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too), neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. HOT FLASH BARBIE: Press Barbie's belly button and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. FACIAL HAIR BARBIE: As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. FLABBY ARMS BARBIE: Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front too- muumuus with tummy support panels are included.

5. BUNION BARBIE: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. NO-MORE-WRINKLES BARBIE: Erase those pesky crow's feet and lip lines with a tube os Skin Sparkle Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. SOCCER MOM BARBIE: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. Comes with a SUV in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. DIVORCED BARBIE: Sells for $399.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car and Ken's boat.

9. POST-MENOPAUSAL BARBIE: This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things and cries a lot. She is sick of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.

Milking Cows

A salesman's car breaks down, so he asks a farmer to let him spend the night, and the farmer agrees. In the middle of the night, the salesman wakes up and is really thirsty, so he decides to go to the barn and get some milk from a cow.

Soon, the farmer hears noises coming from the barn and goes to investigate. He then sees the salesman coming out of the barn soaking wet and with a white liquid dripping down his face. The farmer asks, "What happened to you?"

The salesman says, "I just got thirsty, so I milked your cow. It was so dark in there I don't know how I did it. But I'm telling you, that cow has great milk! I must have drank a gallon of it!"

The farmer then stares at him with a puzzled look and says, "But we don't have a cow. We just have the bull..."

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.

Divorce Whisperer

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say

"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"

Duct tape won't fix that.

Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

We don't keep firearms in this house.

Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

You can't feed that to the dog.

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

Wrasslin's fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

We're vegetarians.

Do you think my hair is too big?

I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?

Who's Richard Petty?

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

Deer heads detract from the decor.

Spitting is such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

Trim the fat off that steak.

Cappuccino tastes better that espresso.

The tires on that truck are too big.

I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.

I've got it all on a floppy disk.

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Would you like you fish poached or broiled?

My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate.

She's too old to be wearing a bikini.

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

I don't have a favorite college team.

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Moonbeam.

Elvis who?

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

The Difference Between Football in the North and South

WOMEN'S ATTIRE
Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that's what dates are for.

STADIUM SIZE
Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000.

FATHERS
Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

ATTIRE
Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.
Down South: Male - press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female - ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt.

ALUMNI
Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don't leave for the NFL their senior year.

CAMPUS DECOR
Up North: Statues of founding fathers.
Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.

HOMECOMING QUEEN
Up North: Also a Physics Major
Down South: Also Miss USA.

HEROES
Up North: Mario Cuomo
Down South: "Bear" Bryant

GETTING TICKETS
Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don't want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

PARKING
Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking.
Down South: RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.

GAME DAY
Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day "live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.

TAILGATING
Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM
Up North: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in with no line.
Down South: When your near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state's third largest city.

CONCESSIONS
Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot--filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
Up North: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
Up North: Nothing Changes!
Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.

COMMENTARY (MALE)
Up North: "Nice Play."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"

COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
Up North: "My, this is a violent sport."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"

ANNOUNCERS
Up North: Paid.
Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

AFTER THE GAME
Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.

How to Survive in the South

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four wheel drive pickup with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can't understand you either.

Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.

Divorced Barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine. It does not mean that is your chance to complain about the taste of the water and the salsa.

What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.

When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.

When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

You know you’re in IT if...

...you paid $6000 for your computer and $500 for your car.

...your pets are named Cat 5 and Cat 6.

...power cords breed in your office.

...your laptop is held together with duct tape.

...you accidentally tell your wife to submit a ticket when she asks you what you want for dinner.

...you make CAT5 action figures.

...you have a tray table on the server rack for lunch.

...you’ve racked up 10 weeks of vacation and still don’t have time to take any.

...rock, paper, scissors is a legitimate decision-making process.

...you have more switches than friends.

...you have a server rack in your garage at home.

...all of your relatives expect you to fix their home computer.

There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes.

One day she decided to get makeover. She cut and dyed her hair brunette and went driving down a country road, searching for someone who would appreciate her for her intelligence. When she came across a herd of sheep, she stopped and called the shepherd over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.

"Well thank you," said the herder.

"Tell you what, I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"

"Sure," agreed the Shepherd. So the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied: "382".

"Wow," said the shepherd. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Then the herder said: "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid b*tch...why else would I buy dog food??

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out "with the girls" a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".

I always look out for her ride coming home but she always walks from around the corner, I can usually hear a car driving off as she walks towards our house. If it really is a taxi why not just get dropped off in front? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she was getting out of. It was while I was crouched behind my car that I noticed rust on my exhaust tip. Should I take it to the dealer for replacement, or should I just take the opportunity to buy the aftermarket 3" I've been looking at. Its a big decision so I thought I would ask for your advice. Maybe I'll just try to buff it out.

Help me out.

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.