Funniest Clean Washington Jokes
"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern." - Craig Kilborn
"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." - Jay Leno
"In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.'" "No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." - David Letterman
"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." - Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." - Craig Kilborn
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with It." - Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. . the one with only seven commandments." -David Letterman
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. "Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope along time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are only 32 of us here without Peters.'
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls. Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?????
Believe it or not ....... a Congress , that much explains the things that come out of Washington.
The Late Osama
After dying a grisly death in a fire fight, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind, "You wanted to end the American's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison came next and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
Osama was subject to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe and 67 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
The Judge's Tie
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.
Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.
The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants.
The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.
Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.
"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible.
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store,two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the Potomac Tidal Basin with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the Basin, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."So, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze congressman. "
A Mother's Quotes
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you-don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Written by Phil Maggitti
Going to War with the Army that We Want.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush announced yesterday that with the holiday season at an end he will mobilize selected units of the Salvation Army in order to boost troop levels in Iraq. The designated units-the 15th Strip Mall Patrol and the 17th Kmart Brigade-will receive eight weeks of intensive training prior to being deployed.
"The Salvation Army has a proud history of serving pastries and hot coffee to battlefield troops since World War I," said the president, "but desperate measures call for desperate times and vice versa. Therefore, I have authorized the establishment of Operation Kettle Korps, a program that will train members of the Salvation Army for combat duty."
At a brief question-and-answer session following this announcement, CNN's Wolf Blitzer asked the president whether Operation Kettle Korps amounted to a back door draft.
"No," said Bush. "These units are already in the army, aren't they?"
Embattled secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld, taking time out from hand-writing letters of condolence to the families of soldiers killed recently in Iraq, praised the decision to mobilize the Salvation Army.
"Do I think this is a good idea?" asked Rumsfeld, jabbing the air with his calligraphy pen for emphasis. "Of course I do. It's about time we went to war with the army that we want. If ever there was an army with God on its side, the Salvation Army is it. Besides, we undermine troop morale if some members of the army are getting their guts shot out while others are standing around asking, 'Decaf or regular?'"
John Larsson, the Salvation Army's general, also endorsed the mobilization. Larrson spoke with reporters on Kettle Force 1, his army's private jet, while on his way to South Asia.
"I have received a number of inquiries from our soldiers who were itching to kill a few terrorists for Christ," he said. "I'm happy that Jesus has seen fit through his minister on earth to give them their chance. Christ be supreme."
The first contingent of Operation Kettle Korps troops is scheduled to arrive at Fort Benning, Georgia, on January 15. After they have been trained and sent to Iraq, Salvation Army members currently serving pastries and coffee to troops will return to the United States for military training. Their duties in Iraq will be assumed by members of Arnie's Army, a private noncombat force maintained by golfer Arnie Palmer.
In related news, Tiger Woods said that his army was "not up to fighting right now, as we've been in a slump recently." Woods said that as soon as his members had worked out the kinks in their bayonet swing, they would be "ready for the majors."
Some New Definitions
lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
marionettes (n), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor.
negligent (adj), describes a condition where you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
gargoyle (n), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
semantics (n), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before mass.
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long.....
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP
Says It's drawing Attention Away From Her
Hotel heiress and reality TV star Paris Hilton today called for an end to the controversy over Sen John Kerry's Vietnam War service, warning that the continuing swift boat flap was drawing attention away from her.
Speaking at a press conference in Washington, Ms. Hilton told reporters that the controversy "has overshadowed the issues that really matter to the American people, such as my messy break-up with Nick. (Singer Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys.)
Ms. Hilton also said she had experienced "a significant and troubling decline" in ambushes from paparazzi ever since the swift boat brouhaha began.
In an effort to blunt the controversy stoked by the group calling itself Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, Ms. Hilton announced today that she and her sister Nicky had founded a new political action committee called Hotel Heiresses Against Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.
Ms. Hilton picked up an important backer later in the day when actress Lindsay Lohan voiced her support for the tabloid princess's decision to take on the swift boat veterans.
"Before the whole swift boat thing came up, people were obsessed with whether or not I had my breasts augmented," Ms. Lohan said. "I'm deeply concerned that the nation seems to have lost focus on that."
"If these swift boat veterans were really for truth, they'd want to know the facts about my boobs," she added.
In other political news, the Republican national Committee announced today that President George W. Bush's acceptance speech at the convention next week would be simulcast in plain English.
In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions. Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem. The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man....She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...
Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary
President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:
CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!
WE HAVE PLEDGED:
- 2 BATTLE SHIPS,
- 600 GROUND TROOPS,
- 6 FIGHTER JETS.
AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:
- 2 CANOES,
- 6 MOUNTIES,
- AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capital building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now... The 45th bus just went by!"
The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page photos, of the event. The banner headline is: "Bush Can't Swim."
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) -
Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Kerry, a longtime AWNAA supporter.
"This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing", said Kerry.
President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%)
President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Nonabled people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs.
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."