Funniest Clean Train Jokes

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
15 17 17 -17
A Subway Drop

The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor. Most necks were craned. One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up. He then asked, "Did anyone drop a half dollar?"

"I did," answered three men at once.

"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."
13 13 13 -13
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
12 12 12 -12
Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Aussie.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. Watch and you'll see," answers a kiwi.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
12 20 20 -20
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
11 11 11 -11
The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the Only seat remaining.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog."Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

The next time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
11 11 11 -11
QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

17. "He's been working with glue too much."

18. "He would argue with a signpost."

19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

20. "He brings joy whenever he leaves the room."

21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

24. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

31. "It's hard to believe that he/she beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

32. "One neuron short of a synapse."

33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
10 10 10 -10
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
10 10 10 -10
1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this employee to breed.

4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.

5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.

11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

14. A room temperature IQ.

15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

19. Bright as Alaska in December.

20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

22. Fell out of the family tree.

23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.

24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

25. He is so dense, light bends around him.

26. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

27. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

31. One neuron short of a synapse.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.

34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
9 9 9 -9
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
9 9 9 -9
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...
9 9 9 -9
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell 'All you sons of b*tches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of b*tches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving'. The mother went in and told her son, 'we don't use that kind of language in this house.' Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today'.

'For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the b*tch in the kitchen.'
9 9 9 -9
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
9 9 9 -9
Mitt Romney is so rich, he has someone to stir up his fruit on the bottom.

Mitt Romney is so rich that he Fed Ex's his Christmas cards.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he hires someone to peel those stringy parts off his bananas.

Mitt Romney is so rich, that he has custom-printed deposit slips with room for more zeroes.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy all the pies in Belgium.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he's even suspicious of his dog's affection.

Mitt Romney is so rich, that if someone else eats the last cookie, he can send his cookie-boy out to get more.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could wallpaper his bathroom in $1000 bills, and it wouldn't measurably affect the value of his house.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford a Partridge Family bus with Danny Bonaduce as his driver.

Mitt Romney is so rich, his wife doesn't bother asking him to take out the trash.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he can call Warren Buffet, 'Boy'.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he's afraid to bank in person for fear that bank employees will stick him up.

Mitt Romney is so rich, his portfolio could drop 99% and he'd still be wealthier than anyone you know.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy Janet Reno's affection.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford to have the big screen version of 'Titanic' recreated live for his birthday.

Mitt Romney is so rich, that he could wear a Monica Lewinsky beret, and he would just be considered eccentric.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could fund his own ballet company with himself as the lead dancer, and it wouldn't matter if no one paid to see him.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could hire the Green Bay Packers to play the Denver Broncos in his back yard.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could host his own Olympic Games, and give out one-ton gold medals.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could afford a really cool train set running all around his house. And I don't mean a toy train.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy the press's silence regarding his naked two-man luge escapade.
9 21 21 -21
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
8 8 8 -8
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"
7 7 7 -7
Written by Phil Maggitti

Going to War with the Army that We Want.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush announced yesterday that with the holiday season at an end he will mobilize selected units of the Salvation Army in order to boost troop levels in Iraq. The designated units-the 15th Strip Mall Patrol and the 17th Kmart Brigade-will receive eight weeks of intensive training prior to being deployed.

"The Salvation Army has a proud history of serving pastries and hot coffee to battlefield troops since World War I," said the president, "but desperate measures call for desperate times and vice versa. Therefore, I have authorized the establishment of Operation Kettle Korps, a program that will train members of the Salvation Army for combat duty."

At a brief question-and-answer session following this announcement, CNN's Wolf Blitzer asked the president whether Operation Kettle Korps amounted to a back door draft.

"No," said Bush. "These units are already in the army, aren't they?"

Embattled secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld, taking time out from hand-writing letters of condolence to the families of soldiers killed recently in Iraq, praised the decision to mobilize the Salvation Army.

"Do I think this is a good idea?" asked Rumsfeld, jabbing the air with his calligraphy pen for emphasis. "Of course I do. It's about time we went to war with the army that we want. If ever there was an army with God on its side, the Salvation Army is it. Besides, we undermine troop morale if some members of the army are getting their guts shot out while others are standing around asking, 'Decaf or regular?'"

John Larsson, the Salvation Army's general, also endorsed the mobilization. Larrson spoke with reporters on Kettle Force 1, his army's private jet, while on his way to South Asia.

"I have received a number of inquiries from our soldiers who were itching to kill a few terrorists for Christ," he said. "I'm happy that Jesus has seen fit through his minister on earth to give them their chance. Christ be supreme."

The first contingent of Operation Kettle Korps troops is scheduled to arrive at Fort Benning, Georgia, on January 15. After they have been trained and sent to Iraq, Salvation Army members currently serving pastries and coffee to troops will return to the United States for military training. Their duties in Iraq will be assumed by members of Arnie's Army, a private noncombat force maintained by golfer Arnie Palmer.

In related news, Tiger Woods said that his army was "not up to fighting right now, as we've been in a slump recently." Woods said that as soon as his members had worked out the kinks in their bayonet swing, they would be "ready for the majors."
7 9 9 -9
Henry Lang grew up in Kansas, part of the most wealthy and influentialfamily in the area. Everyone around knew of the Langs, and eventually, ingratitude for all that the family had done for the area, the townsfolkerected a huge sign in front of the train station, saying, "Welcome on behalfof the Langs." One day, Henry, now in his forties, returned to the area, andhe was shocked to see that the townsfolk had taken down the old Lang sign.
6 14 14 -14
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
5 9 9 -9
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
4 4 4 -4
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