Funniest Clean State Jokes
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
What does a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?
Either way, someone is losing a trailer.
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one "old cowboy " tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’
HEADLINES FOR THE YEAR 2040
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally . . scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 300 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida Voters still don't know how to use a voting machine
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."
California Vinters in the Napa Valley area. which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Griglo wines have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pino More
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. "Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope along time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris action figures have been banned in the United States and Mexico due to the roundhouse action related to eye loss in children.
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
Ways to Get Your Neighbor to Move
1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.
2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!" Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.
3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e., chairs, books, lamps, etc.)
4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies," then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage," walk away laughing hysterically.
5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.
6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."
7. When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.
8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a different part of their body.
9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)
10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.
I live in Texas. I also have two friends that are blonde and sisters.
One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were. When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, "Yeah, they're good paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don't know where the lighthouses are to apply."
I told them, There are no lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper."
Sure enough, there were ads for ... "Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person."
When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are only 32 of us here without Peters.'
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls. Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?????
Believe it or not ....... a Congress , that much explains the things that come out of Washington.
Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance."
"That airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.", replied his wife.
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Johnny replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Q: What's yellow and 1454 feet tall?
A: The Empire State Banana.
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember "Tatoo", the short person on the TV series, "Fantasy Island", with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize.
You remember........."The Plane, Boss, The Plane " !!!
OK. It seems before Herve's passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida's Dade County. These condo's were explicitly designed for persons Herve's size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail.
The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo's expressly for "The Little People" to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely 'No-Rent', 'No Mortgage' environment!
This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo's was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as.....................
Stay-Free Mini Pads !
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.