Funniest Clean Sports Jokes

Chocolate Test {...No cheating!!}

Take this cute chocolate test to find out your true being.

If you were buying candy and you had your choice of the following,which would you choose?

BABY RUTH
3 MUSKETEERS
BUTTERFINGERS
SNICKERS
HERSHEY'S
ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS
CLARK BAR
GOOD 'n' PLENTY
ENERGY BAR
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS

Ok - Now That We Have Your Choice, This Is What Research Says About You!!!

And NO....you can't change your mind once you scroll down. So think carefully about what your choice will be!

BABY RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day.

3 MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your sabre.

BUTTERFINGER - Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.

SNICKERS - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker - others should be cautious in shaking hands!

HERSHEY - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt.

ALMOND JOY - Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you.

CLARK BAR - You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.

GOOD 'n' PLENTY - You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person.

ENERGY BAR - Life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum.

CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS - You go to the bathroom often.
19 21 21 -21
The Difference Between Football in the North and South

WOMEN'S ATTIRE
Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that's what dates are for.

STADIUM SIZE
Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000.

FATHERS
Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

ATTIRE
Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.
Down South: Male - press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female - ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt.

ALUMNI
Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don't leave for the NFL their senior year.

CAMPUS DECOR
Up North: Statues of founding fathers.
Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.

HOMECOMING QUEEN
Up North: Also a Physics Major
Down South: Also Miss USA.

HEROES
Up North: Mario Cuomo
Down South: "Bear" Bryant

GETTING TICKETS
Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don't want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

PARKING
Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking.
Down South: RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.

GAME DAY
Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day "live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.

TAILGATING
Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM
Up North: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in with no line.
Down South: When your near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state's third largest city.

CONCESSIONS
Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot--filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
Up North: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
Up North: Nothing Changes!
Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.

COMMENTARY (MALE)
Up North: "Nice Play."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"

COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
Up North: "My, this is a violent sport."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"

ANNOUNCERS
Up North: Paid.
Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

AFTER THE GAME
Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.
19 25 25 -25
On a spring break trip to Italy, my friends and I were standing just inside St. Peter's Basilica, the second largest church in the world.

The tour guide explained, "This church is so large that no man on earth could hit a baseball from one end to the other, not Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth, or even Mark McGuire."

My group stared in silence at the beautiful marble sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious mosaics all around the enormous building.

Then one girl interrupted the silence with an astonished question: "You mean, they actually let them hit baseballs in here?"
16 16 16 -16
Tough Final

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled - E-I-E-I-O."
16 16 16 -16
Q: Why don't matches play baseball?
A: One strike, and they're out.
15 15 15 -15
The New Survivor

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?

6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother".
13 15 15 -15
A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

''Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.''

''Great,'' says the man. ''But what's the gun for?''

''In case I fall down instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog.''
12 12 12 -12
Little League Baseball Game

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home.

As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.

"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."

"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
12 14 14 -14
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!
12 14 14 -14
Two college football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.

Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
12 14 14 -14
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
11 13 13 -13
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
11 13 13 -13
- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.

-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.

-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there
11 11 11 -11
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!" Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!
10 10 10 -10
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
10 10 10 -10
The Judge's Tie

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants.

The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.

"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
9 11 11 -11
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"
9 13 13 -13
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the damn dog!"
9 17 17 -17
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl! shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,

"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
9 13 13 -13
If I hit a baseball and it rolled under the fence and was eaten by a pig, what would it be called as?

An inside the pork home-run.
8 8 8 -8
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