Funniest Dirty Sheep Jokes
A New Zealander walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
Dogs' Views on Changing Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog's point of view....
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.
BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and..........
POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )
These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys)
(1)-----------Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
(2)-----------Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists ....(Canoeists??)
(3)-------------Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
(4)-------------Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All watertends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
(5)------------Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
(6)------------Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
(7)------------Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .................... (Shoot yourself now ,there is little hope)
(8)--------Q. What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental .......... ( at ballistic speed!!!)
(9)---------Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery .............. (So true)
(10)-------Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
(11)--------Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow .............................. (Oh my Gawdt)
(12)-------Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow ............................................................(Simple, but brilliant)
(13)---------Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U ............................................................(What the *!!*???)
(14)----------Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie
(15)---------Q. What does 'varicose' mean
(16)--------------Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium .(That would work)
(17)----------Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
(18)------------Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor .(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
(19)-----------Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport .(Irrefutable)
(20)--------Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
(21)-------Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face .........................(OMG)
(22)----------Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(23)-----------Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I don't miss any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one takes advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the male castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't f*ckin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.
England, where the men are men and the sheep are nervous.
Why do Australians have sex on clifftops?
The sheep push back harder.
What do you call a sheep tethered to a lamppost in Cardiff?
A rec centre.
Why do Scots wear kilts?
Because the sheep started running when they heard a zipper.
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Wh*res and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men (And The Sheep Are Scared)
An American anthropologist has been studying a tribe in Africa by living with them for a year.
One day, the chief called him into the chief's hut.
The chief sighed. "Well, my friend, it seems that we must ask you to leave."
The anthropologist was surprised by this; he thought he had gained the tribe's trust.
"Why, what's the matter?" he stammered.
"It seems that a woman in our tribe has given birth to a baby... a white baby," said the chief.
The anthropologist began to laugh. "Oh, is that all? No, that's just a classic case of albinism. It's caused by inheriting recessive pigment genes and..."
The chief didn't look convinced, so he pointed at a nearby flock of sheep.
"See those sheep? All of them are white except for that one. It's like that!"
The chief was silent for a moment and said, "Listen, you don't talk about the sheep, and I won't talk about the baby."
Rules for hunting lawyers
Washington state attorney season and bag limits
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty
A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said "Moooo!"
"Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa" answered Jimmy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed,
"Up against the wall you son of a bitch!!"
Redneck Medical Terms
Benign - What you be, after you be eight.
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
D & C - Where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - quicker than someone else
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - a non-Jewish person
GI series - world series of military baseball
Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
Impotent - distinguished, well-known
Labor pain - getting hurt at work
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - a letter carrier
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rectum - darn near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - one plus one more
Urine - opposite of you're out
Varicose - nearby / close by