Funniest Clean School Jokes
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed informationfrom his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little
boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing,
destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to
the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends
huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.
Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them,
"What's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed
disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy,
always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy,
confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.
"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know
what the Purple Wombat is!"
The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple
Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the
very back of the bus, all by himself.
Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to
class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance
and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the
teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying
attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple
Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked,
"Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm,
"Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts --
So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the
principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and
timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat
the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin
mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to
frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to
"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been
acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just
sent me to you and stuff."
"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all.
Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"
"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling
your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."
The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home.
Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was
standing in the doorway waiting for him.
"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the
back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's
office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the
Purple Wombat is!"
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked.
"Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"
So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed,
crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors
shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking
downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps
coming up the stairs, and his door opened.
"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says
you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"
"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can
just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"
Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his
bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying
there, crying, wishing he would wake up.
Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said:
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."
Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the
source of the voice, but he could not.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."
It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on,
opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."
Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got
to the edge of a wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."
The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very
frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple
Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."
Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept
falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going,
driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."
Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."
It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats
from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it
was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."
The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and
the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across
the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."
It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up
to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't
know how to swim, so he drowned.
Q: Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school?
A: She wanted to be a nurse.
Older Brother: "Hooray! School's out! I'm free! I'm free!"
Younger Brother: "So what? I'm four!"
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Political Correctness For Kids
- Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive."
- Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
- You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
- No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."
- You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
- You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
- It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information."
- The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
- Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
- You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."
- You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
- You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
- You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.
Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.
I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.
"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"
He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says: "No"..
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."
It is a little-known fact that before becoming a singer, Bing Crosby ran a boarding school for boys in San Antonio, Texas. One of the boys who lived in the dorm was in the habit of taking off on Friday afternoons, going to Mexico, and getting drunk. But he kept his studies up during the week, and because his parents were wealthy and important trustees, the school took no action against him. However, one Friday afternoon he got together with a day student, and they both disappeared. The parents of the day student were concerned when their son didn't come home, so they called Bing Crosby to ask after him. Bing Crosby said, "Don't worry. Your son is soused with the boarder, down Mexico way."
A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:
"Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?"
"Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt."
"Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?"
"Oh yes Miss, they don't mess around at those crematoriums."
George Bush goes to a primary [elementary] school to talk about the war. After his talk, he opens the floor to questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy, he says."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name
"Steve, he says"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f**k happened to Billy?"
A Mother's Quotes
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you-don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the woodwork class during the first day of school. Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.
The teacher said, "I'll bet these are flowers!"
The girl replied, "How did you know?"
"Just a lucky guess," she said.
Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, "Just a lucky guess."
Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine.
The boy said, "No."
She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.
Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.
He said happily,"A puppy!"
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her assh*le does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."
At school, I saw my principal walking around in a daze. I asked him what happened, and he just looked at me and said, "I've lost my faculties!"
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained started talking about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..
What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests...
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.