Funniest Clean Rum Jokes

Ye Know Ye're a Pirate When

...you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine.

...you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: "Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I ll burn yer tent!"

...you're planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: "Who knows? Maybe some day we go to camping."

...you get thrown out of meetings cause you know too much about "slithering throats, ARRH!".

...the people at work starts to talk about you as the guy who puts jolly rogers on everything.

...people stand WAAY back when your household starts to pull out rapiers, sabres, cutlasses and daggers.

...you get really angry when the person next to you at the bancuette, who claims to be a pirate, doesn't know anything about "loading guns with rusty nails" and you challenge him to a cutlass duel, he turns up and then runs away cause you brought your real cutlass.

...your topic for the evening is smuggling, and your fellows listen politely until you mention "fast motor boats" and starts complaining about how the price on silk has gone down.
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WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more Than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, We are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, Vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a Distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than to drink water and be full Of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing This as a public service.
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A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.

"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."

"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk."

"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"

"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.

"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!"

he asked. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."
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A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum. "Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."

"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk." "

Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"

"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.

"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked.

"Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."
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A highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK) is currently going around.

If you come in contact with this WORK VIRUS, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) centre to take antidotes known as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE), "Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM), "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER) or "Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA.)
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces a ll over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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