Funniest Clean Republican Jokes
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $250.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh*t, it takes all morning."
A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her back to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole thing. The reporter says to the biker, "Sir, that's the most gallant and brave thing I ever saw a man do in my whole life."
The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt I had to."
The reporter says, "Well, I'm from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living, and, just out of my own curiousity, what political affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and I'm a Republican."
The following morning, the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP
Says It's drawing Attention Away From Her
Hotel heiress and reality TV star Paris Hilton today called for an end to the controversy over Sen John Kerry's Vietnam War service, warning that the continuing swift boat flap was drawing attention away from her.
Speaking at a press conference in Washington, Ms. Hilton told reporters that the controversy "has overshadowed the issues that really matter to the American people, such as my messy break-up with Nick. (Singer Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys.)
Ms. Hilton also said she had experienced "a significant and troubling decline" in ambushes from paparazzi ever since the swift boat brouhaha began.
In an effort to blunt the controversy stoked by the group calling itself Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, Ms. Hilton announced today that she and her sister Nicky had founded a new political action committee called Hotel Heiresses Against Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.
Ms. Hilton picked up an important backer later in the day when actress Lindsay Lohan voiced her support for the tabloid princess's decision to take on the swift boat veterans.
"Before the whole swift boat thing came up, people were obsessed with whether or not I had my breasts augmented," Ms. Lohan said. "I'm deeply concerned that the nation seems to have lost focus on that."
"If these swift boat veterans were really for truth, they'd want to know the facts about my boobs," she added.
In other political news, the Republican national Committee announced today that President George W. Bush's acceptance speech at the convention next week would be simulcast in plain English.
Hillary Clinton is out jogging. she passes a young boy selling puppies.
"Buy a puppy Ma'am?" asks the lad.
"Oh no sorry," says Mrs. Clinton. " We have a cat already you know."
"But they are Democrat puppies, Ma'am" asserts the enterprising lad.
Clinton smiles, but again declines. The boy nods, Clinton jogs on.
The next day Clinton is jogging by the same spot. There again is the boy still trying to sell the puppies. As Clinton jogs by she over hears the youth telling the potential customer, "But sir these are Republican puppies."
Clinton stops & says "Young man yesterday you told me those were Democrat puppies, and today you are saying they are Republican puppies"
"Well Yes Ma'am," the child says.
Hillary then asks " well, if they were Democrat puppies yesterday, how could they be Republican puppies today"?
" Well Ma'am, " explains the child. " Since then they opened their eyes."