Funniest Republican Jokes
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $250.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh*t, it takes all morning."
A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her back to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole thing. The reporter says to the biker, "Sir, that's the most gallant and brave thing I ever saw a man do in my whole life."
The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt I had to."
The reporter says, "Well, I'm from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living, and, just out of my own curiousity, what political affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and I'm a Republican."
The following morning, the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
01/20/09 - End of an Error
That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
You Voted for Bush? How Embarrassing!
George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
Impeachment: It's Not Just About Sex Anymore
America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
Jail to the Chief
No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?
America : Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
One Nation Under Clod
Bush Never Exhaled
At Least Nixon Resigned
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? ......It's not your fault he didn't stay in school. Never-the-less, ultimately you take pity on your neighbor and see that his children have milk, while you encourage him to accept responsibility for his situation and to work hard to acquire his own cows.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over how ever many cows you really have.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP
Says It's drawing Attention Away From Her
Hotel heiress and reality TV star Paris Hilton today called for an end to the controversy over Sen John Kerry's Vietnam War service, warning that the continuing swift boat flap was drawing attention away from her.
Speaking at a press conference in Washington, Ms. Hilton told reporters that the controversy "has overshadowed the issues that really matter to the American people, such as my messy break-up with Nick. (Singer Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys.)
Ms. Hilton also said she had experienced "a significant and troubling decline" in ambushes from paparazzi ever since the swift boat brouhaha began.
In an effort to blunt the controversy stoked by the group calling itself Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, Ms. Hilton announced today that she and her sister Nicky had founded a new political action committee called Hotel Heiresses Against Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.
Ms. Hilton picked up an important backer later in the day when actress Lindsay Lohan voiced her support for the tabloid princess's decision to take on the swift boat veterans.
"Before the whole swift boat thing came up, people were obsessed with whether or not I had my breasts augmented," Ms. Lohan said. "I'm deeply concerned that the nation seems to have lost focus on that."
"If these swift boat veterans were really for truth, they'd want to know the facts about my boobs," she added.
In other political news, the Republican national Committee announced today that President George W. Bush's acceptance speech at the convention next week would be simulcast in plain English.
Hillary Clinton is out jogging. she passes a young boy selling puppies.
"Buy a puppy Ma'am?" asks the lad.
"Oh no sorry," says Mrs. Clinton. " We have a cat already you know."
"But they are Democrat puppies, Ma'am" asserts the enterprising lad.
Clinton smiles, but again declines. The boy nods, Clinton jogs on.
The next day Clinton is jogging by the same spot. There again is the boy still trying to sell the puppies. As Clinton jogs by she over hears the youth telling the potential customer, "But sir these are Republican puppies."
Clinton stops & says "Young man yesterday you told me those were Democrat puppies, and today you are saying they are Republican puppies"
"Well Yes Ma'am," the child says.
Hillary then asks " well, if they were Democrat puppies yesterday, how could they be Republican puppies today"?
" Well Ma'am, " explains the child. " Since then they opened their eyes."
Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered
SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.
SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage. Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.
SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone. Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories and help stock secluded mountain shelter. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.
SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age music, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting. Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.
SWM: 59, wide range of interests including: Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest. ISO compatible F.
SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage with or w/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.
SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet woman of similar interests Must be ambidextrous.
DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and locking your friends in closets, We already have three things in common ! Let's get together.
DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send latest X-rays.
DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar Riviera chateau. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.
SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shown on"The X-Files". ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot