Funniest Redneck Jokes
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
Duct tape won't fix that.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better that espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like you fish poached or broiled?
My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Moonbeam.
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up". Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex. Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ---- my wife won twice last week."
Politically Correct Guide To Guys
He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Tennessee, Louisiana, Texas and West Virginia boys will be dropped into Iraq and will be given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking alcohol when all of a sudden, the passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-lice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin,' OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each stuck a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl. "We's on the patch!"
A redneck family from outside Little Rock was visiting a city in the North and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son decided to stroll around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy said, "Pa, What's'at?" Pa (never having seen an elevator) said, "Dunno, son. Ain't never seen nothing like 'at in my whole dang life. Ain't got no idea'r what 'tis."
Then, all of a sudden, while the two watched in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and she rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the number at the top lit up. And then the small lights commenced to work their way down again.
When the walls opened the next time, out stepped a gorgeous, voluptuous, turbo 24-year-old blonde woman.
Reverently, and without taking his eyes off the babe, Pa said, quietly, "Boy . . . go . . . git . . . yo . . . Momma."
To a person in the US, it is anybody from the South.
To somebody in the South, it is anybody in Mississippi.
To a person in Mississippi it is somebody who lives in a mobile home.
To somebody in MS living in a mobile home, it is a guy who drives a pickup.
To a MS guy in a trailer house who drives a pickup, it is a guy who drives a pickup with a Dale Earnhart decal on it.
To a MS guy in a trailer house with a decal of Dale Earnhart on his pickup, a redneck is somebody who drives around with his dog in the back of the truck.
And to a MS guy driving around in his Dale Earnhart pickup with his dog in the back, a redneck is a guy who puts Coca Cola in his morning coffee.
You might be a redneck if ....
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something.
You won the bet! How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says, " I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack o' dem rubbers gonna cost me?
The pharmacist responds, "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies, "TACKS! Gawd a'mighty,...........don't they stay on by therself.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
How to Survive in the South
If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four wheel drive pickup with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Remember: “Ya’ll” is singular, “All ya’ll” is plural, and “All y’alls’” is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can’t understand you either.
Be advised that “He needed killin’” is a valid defense here.
If you hear a southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this,” stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he’ll ever say.
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of ‘yonder’.
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long ‘directly’ is, as in: ‘Going to town, be back directly.’
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between ‘right near’ and “a right far piece.”
They also know that ‘just down the road’ can be 1 mile or 20.
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
A Southerner knows that ‘fixin’ can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads, “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”
There was a German, an Italian and a Missouri Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. To be shot.
2. To be hung.
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! he was dead.
The Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid . . . I'M WEARING A CONDOM!"
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.
The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck who was going into the 5th grade for the 8th time. Go figure. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu." The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu."
The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three girls in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu"
Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.
In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.
The big event is the 100m Sister chase.
Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.
Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Pissin' Competition."
Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.
Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.
Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.
Two words: Billy Bobsledding.
Why did the redneck drive his pickup truck over the edge of a cliff? -- He wanted to test out his new air brakes.
A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning ,gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."