Funniest Race Jokes
Two Irish women are shopping together in the supermarket, and come to the produce section.
One woman reaches into the bin and pulls out two very large potatos.
"My goodness, but dese potatos remind me of me Sean's balls!" she exclaims
"Ooo are dey dat big?" her friend asks
"No she seplies" that fucking dirty!"
The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think that the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused on your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of Numbers, 22nd Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up". Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex. Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ---- my wife won twice last week."
Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
Duct tape won't fix that.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better that espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like you fish poached or broiled?
My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Moonbeam.
Politically Correct Guide To Guys
He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Tennessee, Louisiana, Texas and West Virginia boys will be dropped into Iraq and will be given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
The Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".
It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking alcohol when all of a sudden, the passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-lice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin,' OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each stuck a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl. "We's on the patch!"
A blonde, brunette, and a red head were all in a race swimming breastroke accross the english channel. The brunette came in first, and the red head right after. When they were taking the blonde back on a lifeboa t she said,"I don't want to be a tatletale, but the other two used their arms."
A Blonde and an Irishman
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.
"Faith and begorra,"said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"Tis nectar of the heavens!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!?"
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
A redneck family from outside Little Rock was visiting a city in the North and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son decided to stroll around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy said, "Pa, What's'at?" Pa (never having seen an elevator) said, "Dunno, son. Ain't never seen nothing like 'at in my whole dang life. Ain't got no idea'r what 'tis."
Then, all of a sudden, while the two watched in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and she rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the number at the top lit up. And then the small lights commenced to work their way down again.
When the walls opened the next time, out stepped a gorgeous, voluptuous, turbo 24-year-old blonde woman.
Reverently, and without taking his eyes off the babe, Pa said, quietly, "Boy . . . go . . . git . . . yo . . . Momma."
A cabbage, a faucet, and a tomato had a race. The cabbage was ahead, thefaucet was running, and the tomato tried to catch up.
It's a Hard Life!
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too much, you're avoiding spending time with her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing lazy bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a promotion ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain and self absorbed.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're conceited.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If you're totally beat after a hard day's work, you don't give a crap about other people's needs.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you're a complainer and don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
And that's the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
So help my wife.
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
53 Ways to piss off a cop
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. Touch him.
7. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
8. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
9. Refer to him by his first name.
10. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
11. When he says no, cry.
12. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
13. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
14. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
15. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
16. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
17. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
18. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
19. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
20. Trip and fall into him.
21. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
22. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
23. Chew on the pen, nervously.
24. Clean your ear with the pen.
25. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
26. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
27. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
28. Act like you are retarded.
29. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
30. Mumble to yourself.
31. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
32. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
33. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
34. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
35. Ask if he watches Cops.
36. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
37. Giggle if he did.
38. Talk to your hand.
39. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
40. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
41. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
42. Try to sell him your car.
43. Ask if you can buy his car.
44. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
45. Play with the siren.
46. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
47. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
48. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
49. Turn your head and whistle.
50. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
51. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
52. Tell him you like men in uniform.
53. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!"
To a person in the US, it is anybody from the South.
To somebody in the South, it is anybody in Mississippi.
To a person in Mississippi it is somebody who lives in a mobile home.
To somebody in MS living in a mobile home, it is a guy who drives a pickup.
To a MS guy in a trailer house who drives a pickup, it is a guy who drives a pickup with a Dale Earnhart decal on it.
To a MS guy in a trailer house with a decal of Dale Earnhart on his pickup, a redneck is somebody who drives around with his dog in the back of the truck.
And to a MS guy driving around in his Dale Earnhart pickup with his dog in the back, a redneck is a guy who puts Coca Cola in his morning coffee.