Funniest Dirty Priest Jokes

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.
42 56 56 -56
An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.

He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.
20 22 22 -22
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

"Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."
16 16 16 -16
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No sh*t! What happened next?'"
16 16 16 -16
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
15 17 17 -17
A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ...that phrase... in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
15 15 15 -15
There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."
13 13 13 -13
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
13 13 13 -13
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "
12 12 12 -12
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

He proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.

Then, all the other bells started to ring.
12 14 14 -14
A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The father asked him the nature of this, to which he replied, "While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her."

The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed.

Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.

Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer her husband had had his way with her.

The priest asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now.

The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about.

Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it.

As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband would be banned from the church.

"Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried.

"Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!"
12 14 14 -14
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship,feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy bastards!
11 13 13 -13
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
11 11 11 -11
A priest and a rabbi exit out of a bar and see a ten year old boy. The priest says "Let's screw him!" and the rabbi says "Out of what?"
10 18 18 -18
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
9 9 9 -9
A man is playing golf with his priest, and not doing very well. After yet another fluffed shot, he swears: "Damn! Missed!". The priest is offended, and remonstrates, but after his next bungle, the parishioner swears again: "DAMN! Missed!" "If you continue swearing like that," the priest warns, "God himself will smite you." The parishioner, however, is so uptight about his game that he can't keep the oaths in when he next misses a shot. Immediately, there is a blinding flash of light, a deafening thunderclap... and where the priest was standing, there are now only a pair of shoes and a wisp of smoke. And a voice from the heavens booms: "Damn. Missed."
9 9 9 -9
Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window.. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.

The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, I must say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you.
9 9 9 -9
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "
8 14 14 -14
welve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest,Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and coming to rest in some nearby plant.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.

All at once, eleven bells began to ring.
8 16 16 -16
A priest and a Rabbi found themselves sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... But have you actually ever tasted it?" The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have on the odd occasion..."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
7 13 13 -13
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