Funniest Mitt Romney Jokes
Mitt Romney has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. " You are on my list. . . but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you, I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.
Mitt thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. - Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" Mitt said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!" commented Mitt.
The devil opened a third door. In the room Mitt saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Mitt Romney looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
Romney likes Costco.
So much that he bought 3.
Top Ten Question to Ask Yourself Before Buying $300 Sneakers
10. "Are laces included?"
9. "Will I have to upgrade mysocks?"
8. "May I put one shoe on layaway?"
7. "How much justfor the tongues?"
6. "Foam, plastic, and string, assembled inChina, for $300 -- too good to be true?"
5. "What would Dr. Scholldo?"
4. "Is this the kind of excessive spending Mitt Romney ishiding on his tax returns?"
3. "Will they help me outrun mycreditors?"
2. "Do I want my footwear to scream, 'sucker!'?"
1. "Will these make me 'LeBron' or 'LeBroke'?"
Why is Mitt Romney still hiding his tax returns?
Top 5 guesses:
1. He filed all of his corporations as dependents- Because they're people too
2. He can't remember which house he left them in
3. He actually owns the Cayman Islands
4. He wrote off all of his $10k bet losses to Rick Perry as charitable deductions
5. His real name is actually "Mittens"
Mitt Romney is so rich, he has someone to stir up his fruit on the bottom.
Mitt Romney is so rich that he Fed Ex's his Christmas cards.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he hires someone to peel those stringy parts off his bananas.
Mitt Romney is so rich, that he has custom-printed deposit slips with room for more zeroes.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy all the pies in Belgium.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he's even suspicious of his dog's affection.
Mitt Romney is so rich, that if someone else eats the last cookie, he can send his cookie-boy out to get more.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could wallpaper his bathroom in $1000 bills, and it wouldn't measurably affect the value of his house.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford a Partridge Family bus with Danny Bonaduce as his driver.
Mitt Romney is so rich, his wife doesn't bother asking him to take out the trash.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he can call Warren Buffet, 'Boy'.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he's afraid to bank in person for fear that bank employees will stick him up.
Mitt Romney is so rich, his portfolio could drop 99% and he'd still be wealthier than anyone you know.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy Janet Reno's affection.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford to have the big screen version of 'Titanic' recreated live for his birthday.
Mitt Romney is so rich, that he could wear a Monica Lewinsky beret, and he would just be considered eccentric.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could fund his own ballet company with himself as the lead dancer, and it wouldn't matter if no one paid to see him.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could hire the Green Bay Packers to play the Denver Broncos in his back yard.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could host his own Olympic Games, and give out one-ton gold medals.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could afford a really cool train set running all around his house. And I don't mean a toy train.
Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy the press's silence regarding his naked two-man luge escapade.
Q: Why did Mitt Romney feed his cows money?
A: He wanted rich milk.
"Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear ... He looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes ... He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping ... He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership.... He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial." - David Letterman
What does it mean if you ask a hooker for the "Mitt Romney" special?
For an extra 20 bucks she'll change her position.