A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shop. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "May I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate. And," he added, "I'd like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep on Shabbos."
Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony
says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane
that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually
Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek
of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can
e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.
But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss
couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie
bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."