Funniest Jew Jokes
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed. Then suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory."
"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I sincerely thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear out of nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday..."
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon are sitting around talking about their families.
The Jewish guy says, "I have four sons. One more boy and I can have a basketball team."
The Catholic says, "Well, I have eight sons one more, and I'll have me a baseball team."
Not to be outdone, the Morman says, "I've got 17 wives. One more hole and I'll have myself a golf course."
A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shop. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "May I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate. And," he added, "I'd like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep on Shabbos."
Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony
says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane
that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually
Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek
of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can
e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.
But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss
couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie
bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."