Funniest Clean Jesus Jokes
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange voice echoed from the dark, saying: "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU".
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep" the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you!"
The burglar relaxed........"Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses", replied the bird.
"Moses"! the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot "Moses"?
The bird promptly replied "Probably the same kind of people who would name their Rottweiler "Jesus"...
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
Jesus has been crucifixed and reappears to his disciples. He tells them that he will grant them a wish before he ascends into heaven.
The disciples get together and confer. After much arguing Peter says "Could you do that walking on water thing again? It was so cool".
Jesus smiles, agrees and the next day they set out onto the sea of Gallilee in Peter's boat. They stop far from the shore and Jesus steps off the side of the boat onto the water.
He immediately disappears under the surface and the disciples rush to drag him back into the better. Jesus looks flustered, but vows to have a second go.
Once again he steps off the boat and sinks quickly below the surface. The disciples drag him back and apologize for having asked him to walk on water.
But Peter begins to doubt in the Messiah and can't help asking why Jesus can't repeat the miracle. "Oh, I can", Jesus insists, "at least I could before I had these bloody holes in my feet".
Heard about the new low fat comminion wafer? it's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus"
The pastor of donkey church realised that he was going to starve as collection dwindled every Sunday. Then he made a plan.
After a hectic advertising campaign the church was packed the following Sunday. The Pastor, in full cry yelled " Jesus said "I'll come as a dove"
Church members: "Amen"
Pastor: "I say Jesus said "I'll come like a dove"
Members: " Amen"
And suddenly out of the ceiling came a white dove. The Members, having witnessed a miracle started donating bucks like no man's business. The pastor was excited and in an attempt to increase his profits kept repeating his formula.
For the 4th time he yelled. For the 4th time money kept flowing.
Then he went for the fifth. " I have prophesied, Jesus shall surely come like a doooooooove from the skies."Suddenly a head appeared out of the ceiling and complained " But daddy all the doves are finished "
What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?
You only need one nail to hold up a picture.
Jesus walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks...
"Can you put me up for the night?"
Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"
"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."
"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.
"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.