Funniest Irish Jokes
Two Irish women are shopping together in the supermarket, and come to the produce section.
One woman reaches into the bin and pulls out two very large potatos.
"My goodness, but dese potatos remind me of me Sean's balls!" she exclaims
"Ooo are dey dat big?" her friend asks
"No she seplies" that fucking dirty!"
The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think that the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused on your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of Numbers, 22nd Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
A Blonde and an Irishman
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.
"Faith and begorra,"said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"Tis nectar of the heavens!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!?"
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
Dogs' Views on Changing Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog's point of view....
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.
BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and..........
POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?
Q: When does an Irish potato change nationality?
A: When it's french fried.
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
What's Irish and lies around in the sun all day?
Q: What is Irish and stays on your patio, even when it rains?
A: Patty O'Furniture.
There once was 3 men. One Scottish, one irish, and one jewish. Every day they went to work. They were builders. They were working on the top of a building.
The scottish man pulls out his lunch and says "TUNA! I hate TUNA! If my wife gives me tuna tomorow i will jump off this building!"
The Irish man says "EGG! I hate EGG! If my wife gives me egg tomorow i will jump off this building!"
The Jewish man says "HUMOUS! I hate Humous! If my wife gives me humous tomorow i will jump off this building!"
The next day the scottish man pulls out his lunch and says "TUNA! Thats it!" and jumps off th building.
The irish man says "EGG! Thats it!" and jumps off the building.
The jewish man says "HUMOUS! Thats it!" and jumps off the building.
The next day the wifes get interviewed.
The scottish and irish wives says "If h had just had just told me he didnt like it i would have made him something different."
The Jewish wife says "I dont understand. He always made his own sandwhiches.
Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995s weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you!
I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)
Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra in case it is used to boost their performance on the track..." and "... Viagra could be used to raise the dogs' blood pressure and therefore heart rate, making them run faster in the early stages of a race."
If Viagra really does offer an advantage to these dogs, wouldn't the whole plan backfire? I mean, come on, it'd be really easy to spot which one was going to be the winner, wouldn't it? ".. and it looks like the winner is going to be Rover, by a nose... wait, that's not his nose..."
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage."
The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?'
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
Q: What did the Irish farmer say to his cow when it climbed onto the roof of his barn?
A: Get off.
When does an Irish potato change nationality?
When it's french fried.