Funniest Dirty Holiday Jokes

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" the young woman asks.

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".
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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
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What do all the female reindeer do when santa is busy working with the males on christmas eve?

Go into town and blow a couple bucks!
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Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
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One day, little Tommy was walking past his parents room when he saw his mom and dad lying naked on the bed, he heard his dad say "touch my dick" and his mom say "feel my titties." later that day he asked his mom what dick and titties meant. She replied, "Well, dicks and titties are coats and hats."

So, the next day he hears his parents arguing, he heard his mom call his dad a bastard and his dad call his mom a bitch. Later that day, he asked his dad what bitch and bastard meant. He replied, "Well, bitches and bastards means ladies and gentlemen."

So, the next day is Thanksgiving, he is in the bathroom watching his dad shave, when his dad slips, cuts himself with the razor and says "Shit!" When Tommy asked his dad what shit meant, he said that it was the brand of shaving cream he was using.

After that, Tommy went down to the kitchen to see his mom. While he was watching her prepare the turkey, she slipped, cut herself with the knife and said, "Fuck!" When Tommy asked his mom what fuck was, she said that it was what she was putting in the turkey.

A few minutes later, the doorbell rang, Tommy's mom asked him to answer the door. When Tommy opened the door, he saw it was the rest of the family. Taking a big breath Tommy prepared to greet them and said, "Hello bitches and bastards! Put your dicks and titties in the closet, dad's upstairs wiping the shit off his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"
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One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
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An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, you're going out like that?"

And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator.
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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He decides that he would like to wear a costume that conceals his slightly odd appearance, but can't think of any costumes that would look good and do the job. Out of ideas, he writes a note to a costume company explaining his issue. A few days later a package arrives with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
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The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady! "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me, the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house; I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."

"Hmmmmmm, I don't know... Well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig!"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well-dressed, and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devours them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary, the one you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas, the one you refuse to wear just to bother my sister; and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair." The husband continues his story . . . "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door, at which point she turned around, and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"
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A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen, was listening to her son play with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop and her son said 'all you sons of bitches who are getting off, get the hell off now, and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on-get your asses on the train cause we're leaving right now.'

The mother went into the living room and told her son, 'we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train but you must use nicer language.'

Two hours later, Her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'
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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school at the end of the day, she anxiously asked him how his day went.

'Well, I came top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in football, and I had sex with the teacher.' 'What! How dare you! Get into your room and wait till your father gets home!'

Little DJ goes to his room, and when his father comes home, DJ's mom tells his father, 'I'm absolutely disgusted with DJ. He said he came top of the class in Math, made a touchdown in football, and had sex with the teacher!' 'That's my boy' thinks his Dad.

So he goes upstairs to talk to DJ. 'Don't worry about your Mom. She's a bit upset, but it sounds to me like you had an awesome day at school. In fact, I'm so pleased, you know that bicycle I said I was going to buy you for Christmas, I think I'll get it for you this weekend.'

'Oh no, Dad, don't. I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a while.'
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10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren't...

1. So...What'd you get in the sack?

2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

5. I got the best piece from that house.

6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....

8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!
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Rejected Titles Before Settling on BrokeBack Mountain:

HIGH NOONER
JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
TRUE, HE GRITS
THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE
THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
THE WILD BRUNCH
HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON
THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
VERY RAW HIDE
LONESOME DOUG
THE HOARSE SOLDIERS
DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN
MCCABE AND MR. MILLER
A FISTFUL OF NED
HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
BAREBACK MOUNTING
BONE-NANZA
DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS
HOME ON THE RANGER
OKLAHOMO
LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
PRANCES WITH WOLVES
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I'm safe from identity theft, no one wants to be me.

Great people in history have one thing in common, they are all psychos.

Yogurt is not now and will not ever be a substitute for ice cream.

Thanksgiving is wrong, you get the day off but you have to spend it with your family.

Rumor has it , that people are having children on purpose.

Smile, it's our only defense against gravity.

The worst part about being poor is that you have to live among poor people.

Behind every success story is another story about someone having that same exact idea 5 years earlier.

Denial: The first step is admitting that there are no problems.

If you want revenge on a married man, just call his house and and hang up every time his wife answers.

The whoopie cushion is the seat of all humor.

Men are free to do whatever they please, just as long as their wife okays it.

We cheer Robin Hood when he steals from the rich and gives to the poor, but detest the poor when they do the same thing.

In a hundred years you won't have to worry about money.

It's okay to be late as long as you bring donuts.

Soccer is the only game you can say "We killed them 2-0."

Arguments between your spouse and you rarely end with whatever.

Never, under any circumstance, not even once in a while, is it okay to wear socks with sandals.

The two cruelest words ever linked together, mandatory meeting.

Never trust a story that has been told more than once.

The best weight loss system is sticking a mirror inside of your fridge.
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A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to stay. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room manison with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and i'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
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53 Ways to piss off a cop

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. Touch him.

7. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

8. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

9. Refer to him by his first name.

10. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

11. When he says no, cry.

12. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

13. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

14. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

15. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.

16. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."

17. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

18. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

19. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

20. Trip and fall into him.

21. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

22. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

23. Chew on the pen, nervously.

24. Clean your ear with the pen.

25. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

26. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....

27. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

28. Act like you are retarded.

29. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

30. Mumble to yourself.

31. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

32. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......

33. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

34. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

35. Ask if he watches Cops.

36. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

37. Giggle if he did.

38. Talk to your hand.

39. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

40. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

41. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

42. Try to sell him your car.

43. Ask if you can buy his car.

44. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

45. Play with the siren.

46. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

47. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

48. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

49. Turn your head and whistle.

50. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

51. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

52. Tell him you like men in uniform.

53. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
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She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said 'Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"
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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said that she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and that there was no need to have his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened easily. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

Realizing that her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather sexy babe herself, her husband left his current partner high and dry and grabbed the wife by hand and began to dance with her, closely. Just to see how far she could take it, she made sure not to hesitate even slightly whenever he made any advances.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to go have a little fun in one of the dark deserted rooms.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation her husband would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked if he danced much. He said, "I never danced once. Pete, Bill and I went into the den and played poker all night. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
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