Funniest Clean Holiday Jokes
Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
why couldnt the teddy bear eat any more thanksgiving dinner?
he was already stuffed!
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
A student was heading home for the holidays.
When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York, and as she gave the agent her luggage, she stated, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."
The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."
"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
Three blondes died and are at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "oh, thats easy. It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together and eats turkey."
"Wrong" says St. Peter. He turns to the second blonde and asks her the same question.
She replies: "Easter is the holiday when we put up a tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
"Wrong", says St. Peter in disgust. He turns to the third blonde, and asks her the same question. "Do you know what Easter is?"
"Yes, I do" replied the blonde, "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in his side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues: "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the answer.
"You will die on an American holiday."
"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!"
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.
John was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement and start decorating the house and tree.
During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind.
Jill heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?"
"I just fell down the stairs," he explained.
"Anything broken?" asked Jill.
John replied, "No, I'm fine."
There was just a slight pause before he heard Jill say, "No, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?"
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1, you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic."
The ! cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.
One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
What did the strawberry say on December 25th?
Once, a very short man decided to open a restaurant, but he couldn't think of a name for it. He remembered how he always liked to dress up for Halloween, so he decided to call the restaurant "Hell's Kitchen," and he would always wear large plastic devil horns whenever he greeted people.
One day, the restaurant's caramel custard won an award for best dessert. At the awards ceremony, which was held at the restaurant, they were to make a custard for the guests to sample, but, just then, disaster struck. "Sir," a kitchen hand said to the manager, "the decorative display for the custard broke." "What!?" exclaimed the manager. "You'll have to get a new one." And they did, but it too broke. They went through three more, until they found the last one in the restaurant.
The audience loved it, and the next day, a newspaper story told about Custard's Last Stand at Little Bighorn's.
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Full Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You might be a redneck if ....
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You've ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I want to say to all of you: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Q: What did the ghost say on December 25th?
A: Scary Christmas!