Funniest Dirty Halloween Jokes

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, you're going out like that?"

And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator.
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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He decides that he would like to wear a costume that conceals his slightly odd appearance, but can't think of any costumes that would look good and do the job. Out of ideas, he writes a note to a costume company explaining his issue. A few days later a package arrives with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren't...

1. So...What'd you get in the sack?

2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

5. I got the best piece from that house.

6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....

8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!
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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said that she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and that there was no need to have his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened easily. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

Realizing that her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather sexy babe herself, her husband left his current partner high and dry and grabbed the wife by hand and began to dance with her, closely. Just to see how far she could take it, she made sure not to hesitate even slightly whenever he made any advances.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to go have a little fun in one of the dark deserted rooms.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation her husband would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked if he danced much. He said, "I never danced once. Pete, Bill and I went into the den and played poker all night. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
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53 Ways to piss off a cop

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. Touch him.

7. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

8. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

9. Refer to him by his first name.

10. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

11. When he says no, cry.

12. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

13. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

14. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

15. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.

16. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."

17. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

18. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

19. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

20. Trip and fall into him.

21. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

22. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

23. Chew on the pen, nervously.

24. Clean your ear with the pen.

25. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

26. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....

27. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

28. Act like you are retarded.

29. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

30. Mumble to yourself.

31. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

32. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......

33. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

34. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

35. Ask if he watches Cops.

36. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

37. Giggle if he did.

38. Talk to your hand.

39. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

40. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

41. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

42. Try to sell him your car.

43. Ask if you can buy his car.

44. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

45. Play with the siren.

46. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

47. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

48. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

49. Turn your head and whistle.

50. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

51. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

52. Tell him you like men in uniform.

53. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
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You live in Arizona when..
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never find atown.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You Live in California when..
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,etc.

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
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You know you're from Canada when...

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper. v - You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.
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People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
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