Funniest Clean Doctor Jokes
One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he'd been given a glass eye.
The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ''I can't walk around like this!!"
"Sir," the doctor said, "there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.''
A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree.
The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail...with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, noone was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man's blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye.
He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads.
"Excuse me, sir," said the policeman. "Do you know anything about this at all?"
"No, constable", said the man.
"Well, we can't figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!"
A baby was born with the ability to talk.
The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?"
"Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!"
"Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?"
"Yes, I am!" says the doctor.
"Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery."
"You're very welcome," says the doctor.
The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?"
Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!"
The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. "How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn't it?"
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?
- For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality.
- When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony.
- You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet.
- I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat- hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts.
- No, really, I read Playboy for the articles.
- My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison.
- I'm not free Sunday. I'm going to help OJ look for the real killer.
- How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes will give you a really cool buzz.
- Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops?
- I was thinking tonight we'd go to a French restaurant. Have you ever been to Jacques En Ze Box?
- I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now I just pursue gynecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.
Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
In the middle of the forest, a turtle and a snail have a gruesome head-on collision. The snail is rushed to the emergency room, where a doctor asks what happened. On the edge of consciousness, the snail responds, 'I don't know, Doc. It all happened so fast.'
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
"You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said.
"Try playing a game of fetch with him."
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Ben was working at the lumberyard one day, pushing a tree through the saw, when he accidentally cut off all of his fingers. He quickly ran down the street to the emergency room. The doctor quickly examined his hands and asked for the fingers.
"I don't have the fingers." Ben gasped through his pain.
"What do you mean you don't have the fingers? We aren't living in the Dark Ages here! I can reattach those fingers and you'd be as good as new! Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
"Gosh, Doc!" Ben yelled sarcastically. "I guess I couldn't pick 'em up!"
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Have you seen the new Barbie Doctor doll?
You wind her up, and she operates on batteries.
A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of his malady. The doctor, After a lengthy examination, sighed and looked. Thibideaux in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it's very bad. You'd best put your affairs in order." Thibideaux was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room to his son who had been waiting. Thibideaux said, "Well son, us Cajun's celebrate when thangs is good, and we celebrate when dey don't be so good.. In dis case, dey ain't so good. I got cancer. Let's head for the honky tonk and have a few dranks." After 3 or 4 shots, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more wiskey.
They were eventually approached by some of Thibideaux's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Thibideaux told them that coon-asses celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "Da doctor dun told me I'm dying' from AIDS."
His son's eyebrows raised and he opened his mouth, but Thibideaux raised his finger and the frown on his face stifled what his son had planned to say.
The friends gave Thibideaux their condolences, and they had a couple more shots. After his friends left, his son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Daddy, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Thibideaux said, "I don't want any of 'em sleeping with yo mama after I'm gone."