Funniest Dentist Jokes
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his pants and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist!"
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they've finished, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "The best there is! How did you figure that out?"
She says "I didn't feel a thing!"
The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
What is a dentist's office?
A filling station.
The American Dental Association recently awarded their "Dentist of theYear" award once again. But all it is is a little plaque.
A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate that had been put in earlier was corroding. "What have you been eating?" the dentists asked the man. "All I can think of is that about three months ago my wife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much, I put it on everything now." "That's the problem," the dentist said, frowning. "Hollandaise sauce contains lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" "It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."
"Marvelous," says the man,
"book my wife for next Tuesday!"
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9&11 am daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel for skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On a menu in a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On a menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience we recommend coourteous, effecient self-service.
In a Bangkok cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Hong Kong dress shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter.
In Germany's Black Forest: It is strickly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men & women, live together in one tent unless they are married for that purpose.
An ad by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czech tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven tours--we guarantee no miscarriages.
Ad for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride your own ass?
On a faucet in a Finnish restroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.
On a box of a clockwork toy in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop--Drive sideways.
Swiss mountain inn: Special today--no ice cream.
Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.
Tokyo bar: Special cocktail for the ladies with nuts.
Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find that they are best in the long run.
Japanese instructions on an air conditioner: Cooles & Heates. If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
Car rental brochure in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking; Here speeching American.
A sign on the lion cage at a zoo in the Czech Republic: No smoothen the lion.
A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire: If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.
A notice in a Japanese hotel: Please not to steal towels. If you are not person to do such, please not to read notice.
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America ? Answer: With the Discover Card.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.
The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.
The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.
"How old are you?" No response.
The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?"
Q: What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
A: A tuba toothpaste.
What's the best time to go to the dentist?
Q: What is a dentist's office?
A: A filling station.
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms.
A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate thathad been put in earlier was corroding. "What have you been eating?" thedentists asked the man."All I can think of is that about three months ago mywife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much,I put it on everything now.""That's the problem," the dentist said, frowning. "Hollandaise sauce containslemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I'll make you a new plate, and thistime use chrome.""Why chrome?""It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for theHollandaise."
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
One day a man walks into a dentist's and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth?
"$160," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $120."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $40."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $20." "Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"
A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here," he says, "Take this pill."
The man asks, "What is it?"
The dentist replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"
The American Dental Association recently awarded their "Dentist of the Year" award once again. But all it is is a little plaque.
Come And Visit Often
Pardon Me For Not Getting Up - I Feel Like Lying Down
Gone Fishing - Permanently
Don't Come In Yet - Wait Til Later
Now Is Not The Time To Ask Me Again
There Is Always Lots Of Room Here
If You Can't Say Anything Nice About Me Then Leave
Forever A Mess I Must Confess
In The Beginning I Was Small, Now I Am Nothing At All
If You Can't Beat 'Em, You'll Join Them Here
The Only Regrets I Have Are Those Things I Didn't Do
Time Waits For No One But I Wouldn't Have Minded A Bit Of A Delay
I Never Claimed To Know Anything, So Why Am I Here?
I wasn't Always Like This
I Never Asked For The Lights To Dim
Wishing You Were Here
Sad As It Is, I'll Never Yell At You Again
Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.
I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours.
As the flowers are all made sweeter by the sunshine and the dew, So this old world is made brighter by the lives Of folks like you. -- Bonnie Parker (Bonnie and Clyde)
John Brown is filling his last cavity. -- Dentist's Tombstone
I told you that I was sick! -- Georgia Cemetary, USA
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake; Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. -- Pennsylvania Tombstone, USA
Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. -- Tombstone in England
To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went. -- Written on the tombstone in reply to one above
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. -- England Tombstone
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod; Pease shelled out and went to God. -- Massachusetts Tombstone
Gone away, Owin' more than he could pay. -- England
Alien tears will fill for him; Pity's long-broken ern. For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn. -- Oscar Wilde's Tombstone
It was a Cough That carried him Off,It was a Coffin They Carried him Off In
"The defense rests"
Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me For not rising.
Auctioneer:Going! Going!! Gone!!!
Effie Jean Robinson: Come blooming youths, as you pass by , And on these lines do cast an eye. As you are now, so once was I; As I am now, so must you be; Prepare for death and follow me. Upon which someone scribbled: To follow you I am not content, How do I know Which way you went.
Bill Blake Was hanged by mistake.
Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw.
I would rather be here than in Texas.
Here lies the body Of Margaret Bent She kicked up her heels, And away she went.
Here he lies, James T. Carson, He blew up his wife, and was hung for arson.
Here lies the body of John Round: Lost at sea, and never found.
What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
A tuba toothpaste.