Funniest Clean Computer Jokes
Why did the computer squeak?
Someone stepped on the mouse.
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - -Dave Platt
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." --Bruce Graham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." -- English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." -- Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemmingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." -- Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"
"My husband said it was either him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
"Dogs have owners....cats have a staff".
Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.
Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."
The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."
What does a computer eat when it's hungry?
Chips -- one byte at a time.
A sculptor, a civil engineer and a computer scientist were arguing about the primacy of their professions.
"God created man out of clay," said the sculptor, "and so was clearly a sculptor."
"Before that," said the engineer, "He separated earth and waters from the chaos -- an immense feat of civil engineering. God was an engineer first."
"And how do you think," answered the computer scientist, "the chaos was made?"
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Ballerina Barbie For $19.95
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95
Skater Barbie for $19.95
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's nuts."
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."
"It CAN'T be!" he cried. "You have GOT to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a big smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Cabby: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabby: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabby: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabby: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"
Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabby: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabby: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabby: "I married his freakin' widow."
ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in ... Oh, never mind.
ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store: Can I help you?
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
And the number #1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on your computer is....
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".....
Q: Why did the computer squeak?
A: Someone stepped on the mouse.
You know you're in IT if...
...power cords breed in your office.
...your laptop is held together with duct tape.
...you accidentally tell your wife to submit a ticket when she asks you what you want for dinner.
...you make CAT5 action figures.
...you have a tray table on the server rack for lunch.
...you've racked up 10 weeks of vacation and still don't have time to take any.
...rock, paper, scissors is a legitimate decision-making process.
...you have more switches than friends.
...you have a server rack in your garage at home.
...all of your relatives expect you to fix their home computer.
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jay'.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
What is OJ Simpson's password on his computer?
Slash, slash, backslash, escape.
As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled. During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.
"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."
Both were excused.
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"The Policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work!
How were you able to make such an astute observation? "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!!
Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Woody Allen virus.........By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.
Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files.
Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Ronald Reagan virus..........Saves your data, but forgets
Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Oprah Winfrey virus........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.
AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS- You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.
STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before.
TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.