Funniest Dirty Christmas Jokes

Male Seminars by Females

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You, Too, Can Do Housework

3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

4. How to Fill an Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money

6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques: formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks"

8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception

9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook

10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You: The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons to Give Flowers

15. How to Stay Awake in Public

16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom

17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb

18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try

19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower

20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please

21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down: formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet"

22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms

23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull

24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost

25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex

27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes

28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too

29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home

30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

31. Seeing the True You: formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked"

32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works

33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits" From Your Vocabulary

34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary

35. Techniques for calling home

Female Seminars by Males

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

6. The Seven-Outfit Week

7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty....... Deal With it"

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "'Me Too' Equals I Love You"

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good"

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+Channels

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock"

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
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1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

2. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

3. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

4. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

5. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

6. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

7. "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"

8. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

9. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

10. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

11. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

12. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."

13. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

14. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

15. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

16. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

17. "Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"

18. "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."

19. "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."

20. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

21. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

22. "We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?"

23. "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."

24. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Virginia)
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Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's you're best friend.

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
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1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!
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There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year ! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This decision is not based on religious reasons - they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
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