Funniest Champagne Jokes

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
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On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
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A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.
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It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.

The teacher said, "I'll bet these are flowers!"

The girl replied, "How did you know?"

"Just a lucky guess," she said.

Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, "Just a lucky guess."

Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine.

The boy said, "No."

She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.

Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.

He said happily,"A puppy!"
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! "

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
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Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
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In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cowboy, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"

"Ya mean women?" asked the cowboy. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks shag sheep."

"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation."

However, after a few months, the correspondent's balls were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.

Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.

"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been shagging sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"

One cowboy spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
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