Funniest Clean Celebrity Jokes
Chuck Norris can ride his bike with no handlebars..............or wheels
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
When chuck norris asks for change for a penny, he always gets it.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
Jack Links Beef Jerky wanted to film a series of "Messin' with Chuck Norris" commercials. They later had to settle for Sasquatch because they couldn't find any actors dumb enough to mess with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses pens on Scantron sheets.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter
God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high-profile candidates waiting at the Gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I'm going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You'll have to go and decide who is most suitable."
St. Peter goes down to the Pearly Gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace, and Princess Diana waiting for him. He says, "I'm afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason why you should be admitted to Heaven."
Freddie Mercury says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better."
Gianni Versace says, "I was Earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions -- long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better."
Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!"
Freddie and Gianni are mortified. "What's going on here?" Freddie cries. "We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don't!"
St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sorry, guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day."
This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember "Tatoo", the short person on the TV series, "Fantasy Island", with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize.
You remember........."The Plane, Boss, The Plane " !!!
OK. It seems before Herve's passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida's Dade County. These condo's were explicitly designed for persons Herve's size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail.
The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo's expressly for "The Little People" to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely 'No-Rent', 'No Mortgage' environment!
This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo's was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as.....................
Stay-Free Mini Pads !
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talking about.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris still has more money than you.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to begin eating itself, as it was the less painful way to die.
There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Chuck Norris is a former #1 draft pick in the NFL. He immediately retired when they told him in training camp that a round house kick to the face was not a legal method of tackling. Enraged, he cursed the franchise to never ever make the playoffs. We know them as the Detroit Lions.
Chuck Norris' prostate has eaten dozens of doctor's middle fingers.
While building a house in Kansas, Chuck Norris was dared to dig a hole as deep as he could. Chuck Norris dug so deep that the next day there were Squirrels with slanted eyes on his front lawn.