Funniest Clean Celebrity Jokes
Chuck Norris can ride his bike with no handlebars..............or wheels
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
When chuck norris asks for change for a penny, he always gets it.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses pens on Scantron sheets.
God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high-profile candidates waiting at the Gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I'm going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You'll have to go and decide who is most suitable."
St. Peter goes down to the Pearly Gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace, and Princess Diana waiting for him. He says, "I'm afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason why you should be admitted to Heaven."
Freddie Mercury says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better."
Gianni Versace says, "I was Earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions -- long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better."
Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!"
Freddie and Gianni are mortified. "What's going on here?" Freddie cries. "We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don't!"
St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sorry, guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day."
This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember "Tatoo", the short person on the TV series, "Fantasy Island", with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize.
You remember........."The Plane, Boss, The Plane " !!!
OK. It seems before Herve's passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida's Dade County. These condo's were explicitly designed for persons Herve's size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail.
The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo's expressly for "The Little People" to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely 'No-Rent', 'No Mortgage' environment!
This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo's was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as.....................
Stay-Free Mini Pads !
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Chuck Norris is a former #1 draft pick in the NFL. He immediately retired when they told him in training camp that a round house kick to the face was not a legal method of tackling. Enraged, he cursed the franchise to never ever make the playoffs. We know them as the Detroit Lions.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."