Funniest Clean Bus Jokes

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"

What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
25 31 31 -31
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."
16 16 16 -16
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said.

"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
16 20 20 -20
Fantastic Watch

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. It's an invention of mine I've been working on. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.

"Zoom out," Jake says, and the display changes to show all of eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.

"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with laser paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 3000 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready..."

"I'll give you $1,000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"

"But it's just not..."

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute!" calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.

"Don't forget your batteries."
14 14 14 -14
A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Gold Dust Twins are coming,' and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did The Trick,' and I could hardly control myself. BUT when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,' I laughed out loud."

The case was dismissed.
11 11 11 -11
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These", she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
11 13 13 -13
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."
11 17 17 -17
Q: Why should you never run in front of a bus?
A: You will get tired.
10 10 10 -10
There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little
boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing,
destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to
the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends
huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.


Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them,
"What's the Purple Wombat?"


"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed
disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy,
always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy,
confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.


"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know
what the Purple Wombat is!"


The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple
Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the
very back of the bus, all by himself.


Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to
class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance
and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the
teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying
attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple
Wombat.


Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked,
"Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"


"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm,
"Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts --
march!"


So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the
principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and
timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat
the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin
mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to
frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to
tears.


"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"


"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been
acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just
sent me to you and stuff."


"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all.
Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"


"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."


"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling
your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."


The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home.
Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was
standing in the doorway waiting for him.


"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"


"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the
back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's
office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the
Purple Wombat is!"


"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked.
"Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"


So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed,
crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors
shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking
downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps
coming up the stairs, and his door opened.


"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says
you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"


"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"


"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can
just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"


Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his
bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying
there, crying, wishing he would wake up.


Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said:
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."


Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the
source of the voice, but he could not.


"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."


It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on,
opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.


"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."


Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got
to the edge of a wood.


"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."


The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very
frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple
Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.


"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."


Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept
falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going,
driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.


"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."


Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town
lake.


"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."


It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats
from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it
was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.


"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."


The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and
the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across
the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."


It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up
to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't
know how to swim, so he drowned.
9 23 23 -23
A man is a bus driver on Sesame Street and insists on meeting all of hisriders. At the first stop, two overweight women got on the bus; both are namedPatty. At the next stop, a mentally challenged boy named Ross got on.At the final stop, a disgusting man named Lester Freeze got on, took offhis shoes, and picked at his bunions.When the bus driver got home, his wife asked him if he met anyone new thatday. He said, "Two obese Patties, special Ross; Lester Freeze picks hisbunions on a Sesame Street bus."
9 9 9 -9
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."
9 11 11 -11
Mitt Romney is so rich, he has someone to stir up his fruit on the bottom.

Mitt Romney is so rich that he Fed Ex's his Christmas cards.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he hires someone to peel those stringy parts off his bananas.

Mitt Romney is so rich, that he has custom-printed deposit slips with room for more zeroes.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy all the pies in Belgium.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he's even suspicious of his dog's affection.

Mitt Romney is so rich, that if someone else eats the last cookie, he can send his cookie-boy out to get more.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could wallpaper his bathroom in $1000 bills, and it wouldn't measurably affect the value of his house.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford a Partridge Family bus with Danny Bonaduce as his driver.

Mitt Romney is so rich, his wife doesn't bother asking him to take out the trash.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he can call Warren Buffet, 'Boy'.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he's afraid to bank in person for fear that bank employees will stick him up.

Mitt Romney is so rich, his portfolio could drop 99% and he'd still be wealthier than anyone you know.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy Janet Reno's affection.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford to have the big screen version of 'Titanic' recreated live for his birthday.

Mitt Romney is so rich, that he could wear a Monica Lewinsky beret, and he would just be considered eccentric.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could fund his own ballet company with himself as the lead dancer, and it wouldn't matter if no one paid to see him.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could hire the Green Bay Packers to play the Denver Broncos in his back yard.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could host his own Olympic Games, and give out one-ton gold medals.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could afford a really cool train set running all around his house. And I don't mean a toy train.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy the press's silence regarding his naked two-man luge escapade.
9 21 21 -21
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. "

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin."

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself."

"BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I couldn't help not laughing out loud."

"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.
9 9 9 -9
A man walks into a bar with a head under his arm, he sits down at the bar and places the head on the table.

"Can I have a beer for me and my son please?" The barman looks a bit puzzled but gives them both a drink.

The man tilts the boy's head back and pours the drink down his throat. Suddenly like magic the boy grows a torso.

"Wow, I am amazed I have never seen that before", said the barman. "I'll give him a drink on the house." he added.

The man again pours the drink down his throat and bam, the boy grows an arm. The people at the bar are so amazed by this they keep on buying the boy a drink until finally he has a full body.

"Right dad, I've had enough, meet you back home." At this the boy opened the door, stepped outside and got run over by a bus.

The barman is distraught, "I am so sorry, if I knew that was going to happen I would have never bought him that drink. "Don't worry," the man said "he should of quit while he was ahead."
8 14 14 -14
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These", she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
8 8 8 -8
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has it."
8 12 12 -12
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father"

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many".

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way".

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".
7 9 9 -9
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
7 11 11 -11
Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.
6 26 26 -26
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
6 12 12 -12
Facebook Twitter Google Plus
Contact Us | Bug Report | Privacy Policy