Funniest Dirty Blonde Jokes
It was Greg the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words."
He said, "But what's the dollar for"?
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '.
"And here I am."
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to the coach section since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
There are these three women, a redhead a brunette and a blonde. And they start to talk about their daughters. The red head says "you know i caught my daughter with cigars. I didn't know she smoked!" then the brunette says " I know! i found booze in my daughters room I didn't know mine drank!" then the blonde says "OMG I like totally know where you're coming from! I found like these these condoms in my daughters room! Like OMG... I didn't know she had *whispers* a penis...."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said, "Well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back toher. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question.In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.
"Again, "Thank you," and that they would get back to her. Finally, the blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question they had asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for awhile and replied, "I would like to go to the sun.
"The people from NASA replied, "Why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milk man asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired Biker in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Biker and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old Biker replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way..."
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge, big enough to keep it in!"
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $27,000 on a new car, " he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left for a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her - and she doesn't even have a penis!"
How To Catch A Man
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking so sad.
Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay... but you look so sad. Why?"
Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man?"
Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hoo-ters."
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Big and Dumb?
A family of three (mom, dad and a young girl) go down to Florida to visit a nudist camp. The girl goes walking around on the beach, comes back to her mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, women down here have bigger breasts than you."
The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are."
The girl goes and walks around again. She comes back to her mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, guys down here have bigger penises than dad."
The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are."
The girl goes on her way and comes running back to her mom again. "Mommy, Mommy, Dad is talking to this really dumb blonde, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!!"
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
A man enters a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sits next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde keeps looking at his bulging pockets. After many glances from her, he says, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look, thinking about what he has said.
Not able to contain her curiosity, she asks, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I saw it too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money......
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.