Funniest Clean Bill Clinton Jokes

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."

Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talkshows scheduled.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
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Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, sir."
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Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the last one!)

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
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"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern." - Craig Kilborn

"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." - Jay Leno

"In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.'" "No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." - David Letterman

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." - Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." - Craig Kilborn

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with It." - Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. . the one with only seven commandments." -David Letterman
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HEADLINES FOR THE YEAR 2040

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 300 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida Voters still don't know how to use a voting machine
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One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
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Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, With the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and Whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares At the guy, looks at Hillary, looks Back at the agent, and shakes his head "no."

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a Unanimous request of the entire Team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when The agent tells him The fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders And says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly,baby..."

With that, Bill grabs Hillary by her collar and the Seat of her pants, Lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto The field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "F*cking idiot!".

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & Down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is Bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what Is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out The first PITCH."
11 11 11 -11
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. " You are on my list. . . but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you, I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. - Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In the room George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you’re free to go!"
9 9 9 -9
These are the only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use...

10. "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo,1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers.... my ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1999

And . . . drum roll . . . . .

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -Osama bin Laden, November, 2001
8 8 8 -8
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.

God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."
7 7 7 -7
Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. First, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently. The agent said, "Mr President, it was a request from the home team”everybody from the owner down to the bat boy." (What really gets Bill going is when the agent tells him the fans would love it!)

So Bill just shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want." Then Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, hoists her over the wall and drops her onto the playing field.

She scrambles up kicking, swearing, screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "Hey, you were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally ashen. Bill asks the agent: What's wrong?

As soon as he could speak, the stricken agent stammered: "Sir, I said: "They want you to throw out the first PITCH."
5 5 5 -5
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long.....

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
5 7 7 -7
World's thinnest Books available at a bookstore near you.

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
5 5 5 -5
Hillary Clinton is out jogging. she passes a young boy selling puppies.

"Buy a puppy Ma'am?" asks the lad.

"Oh no sorry," says Mrs. Clinton. " We have a cat already you know."

"But they are Democrat puppies, Ma'am" asserts the enterprising lad.

Clinton smiles, but again declines. The boy nods, Clinton jogs on.

The next day Clinton is jogging by the same spot. There again is the boy still trying to sell the puppies. As Clinton jogs by she over hears the youth telling the potential customer, "But sir these are Republican puppies."

Clinton stops & says "Young man yesterday you told me those were Democrat puppies, and today you are saying they are Republican puppies"

"Well Yes Ma'am," the child says.

Hillary then asks " well, if they were Democrat puppies yesterday, how could they be Republican puppies today"?

" Well Ma'am, " explains the child. " Since then they opened their eyes."
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Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son.

Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."
3 11 11 -11
Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook".

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
1 1 1 -1
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, ..."I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit...

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,.... "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! As the waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers........... "It's pronounced 'quiche'
1 1 1 -1
During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.

The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
-1 1 1 -1
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and President Clinton all get caught up in a tornado and finally land in the Emerald City of Oz. They are finally allowed to visit the great and powerful wizard and Dan Quayle says "I've had a tough time getting by in Washington and I think I'd like to have a brain". Newt Gingrich speaks next and says "I've heard all they say about me and my conservative politics and I'd like to have a heart." President Clinton speaks last and says "I'll just take Dorothy."
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An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!!

Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Woody Allen virus.........By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.

Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files.

Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan virus..........Saves your data, but forgets

Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Oprah Winfrey virus........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.

AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS- You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.

STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before.

TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.
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