Funniest Clean Beverage Jokes
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
What the Job Ad says & What it means:
Really sh*t job
No experience necessary
The mother of all sh*t jobs
Sh*t job with a title
Ground floor opportunity
Sh*t job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
Word processing skills essential
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.
Public relations Receptionist Professional appearance important
$20K/year that requires a $100K wardrobe
Pleasant telephone manner
Be voice of 1-900-SUCK
Earn up to $300/hr:
Salary range $24K to $32K
This salary is $24K
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions
B.A. required, master's preferred
Must be an M.A. and be willing to work on a B.A.'s salary
This job was filled from the inside six months ago
Women & minorities encouraged to apply
White males need not waste the stamp
Outstanding benefits package
Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them in to one job.
Top-notch communication skills
Beautiful offices in attractive locations
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker
The most powerful position in any company
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hrs/wk from now until we force you in to early retirement
We will pay whatever the hell we feel like
We will take the lowest bidder
We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job, but not one penny more
Competitive starting salary
Ten cents above minimum wage
A staff of pod people
Zombie pod people
Fun, creative atmosphere
Pod people from hell
Zombie pod people from hell
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!!
Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
"He should've quit while he was a head!"
Math and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive.
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has it."
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a Princess "Will you marry me?"
She said "No."
...And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and drank beer all day every day for the rest of his natural days.
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and decided to have a contest regarding who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
A man walks into a bar with a head under his arm, he sits down at the bar and places the head on the table.
"Can I have a beer for me and my son please?" The barman looks a bit puzzled but gives them both a drink.
The man tilts the boy's head back and pours the drink down his throat. Suddenly like magic the boy grows a torso.
"Wow, I am amazed I have never seen that before", said the barman. "I'll give him a drink on the house." he added.
The man again pours the drink down his throat and bam, the boy grows an arm. The people at the bar are so amazed by this they keep on buying the boy a drink until finally he has a full body.
"Right dad, I've had enough, meet you back home." At this the boy opened the door, stepped outside and got run over by a bus.
The barman is distraught, "I am so sorry, if I knew that was going to happen I would have never bought him that drink. "Don't worry," the man said "he should of quit while he was ahead."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop."
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos ... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, 'I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!'
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
The not very intelligent young lady replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"
Again the not very intelligent young lady says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The not very intelligent young lady hands the prize ticket to the manager and
he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know,honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax---OH MY...!"
Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".
Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee calmly, and says "My son is 6'2", he's loaded with dough,...got broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.
"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."
"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk."
"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"
"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.
"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!"
he asked. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.
The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..."
"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.
"Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned father.
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"