Funniest Beer Jokes
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go f*ck herself."
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."
Politically Correct Guide To Guys
He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the poor lasses must be gravely ill."
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.
'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Tennessee, Louisiana, Texas and West Virginia boys will be dropped into Iraq and will be given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!
Grab a tissue, this is hilarious.
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
The Difference Between Football in the North and South
Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that's what dates are for.
Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000.
Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.
Down South: Male - press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female - ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt.
Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don't leave for the NFL their senior year.
Up North: Statues of founding fathers.
Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.
Up North: Also a Physics Major
Down South: Also Miss USA.
Up North: Mario Cuomo
Down South: "Bear" Bryant
Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.
FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don't want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.
Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking.
Down South: RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.
Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day "live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.
Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.
GETTING TO THE STADIUM
Up North: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in with no line.
Down South: When your near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state's third largest city.
Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot--filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.
WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
Up North: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.
THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
Up North: Nothing Changes!
Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.
Up North: "Nice Play."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"
Up North: "My, this is a violent sport."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"
Up North: Paid.
Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
AFTER THE GAME
Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.
How to Survive in the South
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four wheel drive pickup with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can't understand you either.
Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.
A DOCTOR at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his nutty patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled: "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled: "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled: "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied: "Well...everything was fine until some vendor walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'."
Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine. It does not mean that is your chance to complain about the taste of the water and the salsa.
What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.
When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that thebar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later thevoice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over."Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearingthese voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us.""It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."
here is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer- Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?"
The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
The guy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"
The Beer Prayer
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer. The bitter and the lager
Forever and ever,
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!"
This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks.
2. No changing your oil in the street.
3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.
4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each.
5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am.
6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.*
7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. *
8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned.
9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not.
10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred.
Note* (Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval.)
Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park more enjoyable for everyone.