Funniest Clean Bar Jokes
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum. "Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."
"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk." "
Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"
"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.
"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked.
"Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"
Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".
Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out. The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says. "Yeah," the string says. "Aren't you a string?" the bartender says. "I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.
A sibyl, a haruspex, and a rhabdomantist walked into a bar. The sibyl said, "There's going to be this big flood, and it's going to be terrible." And the haruspex was looking at this dead animal, and he said, "Yeah, it's going to rain hard and wipe everything out, and it's going to do all kinds of damage." And the rhabdomantist said, "That's terrible! Why...I'll be out of a job!"
The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
It is not a well known fact, but soccer was very popular in ancient Rome. The Coliseum was used for matches. There was a big match planned for one Saturday, and three famous Romans arranged to meet at the Coliseum to see the match (Rome vs. Naples). When the day came, Caesar and Cassius met in their favorite bar, but there was no sign of their friend Brutus. So shortly before the kick-off, they gave up and went to their reserved seats to watch the game. At half time, Brutus finally arrived "Sorry I'm late," he said. "The wheel came off the chariot, and I couldn't get it fixed. How's the game going?" "It's been a fantastic game so far," Caesar replied. "What's the score, then?" "Eight-two, Brutus."
A highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK) is currently going around.
If you come in contact with this WORK VIRUS, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) centre to take antidotes known as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE), "Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM), "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER) or "Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA.)
A termite walked into a bar and asked, "Is the bartender here?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, ?Give me a beer and a mop.?
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was completely full of olives, he stumbled out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as strange as that!"
"What's so strange about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."
SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet.
SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM - Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
SOLUTION - Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM - Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
SOLUTION - You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM - Mouth contains cigarette butts.
SOLUTION - You have fallen forward. See above.
SYMPTOM - Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
SOLUTION - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM - Floor blurred.
SOLUTION - You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM - Floor moving.
SOLUTION - You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM - Room seems unusually dark.
SOLUTION - Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM - Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
SOLUTION - You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM - Beer is crystal-clear
SOLUTION - It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.
SYMPTOM - Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
SOLUTION - You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
SYMPTOM - Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
SOLUTION - You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM - Your singing sounds distorted.
SOLUTION - The beer is too weak. Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM - Don't remember the words to the song.
SOLUTION - Beer is just right. Play air guitar.
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.
'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot issensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."
So a Croatian walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serb your kind!"
A scotsman, an englishman and an irishman walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"
A man walks into a bar and an egg falls on his head. The barman turns to him and says, "The yolk's on you!"
An Irishman walks out of a bar.