Funniest Dirty Baby Jokes
"This ginger woman at my work recently announced that her black boyfriend got her pregnant. She was discussing possible baby names the other day, looking for suggestions, but apparently 'Robert The Chocolate Orange' is not tolerated and is enough to get you fired."
This is why God invented menopause.......
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"Not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.
"WHEN IT CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES?"..
BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."
Once there were three Indian women. They were all pregnant, and they slept in their husbands' teepees on animal skins that they had killed or traded for. The first slept on a deer skin. The second slept on a bear skin. The third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three had their children on the full moon. The first had a strong baby boy. The second also had a strong baby boy. The third had twins. This just proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14 If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number one Country Western song is. . . .
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his ass again!"
1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
2. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
3. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
4. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
5. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
6. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
7. "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
8. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
9. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
10. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
11. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
12. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."
13. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
14. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
15. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
16. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
17. "Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
18. "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
19. "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
20. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
21. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
22. "We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?"
23. "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."
24. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Virginia)
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
"Heart is the engine of the Body. But Brain is the engine of Life. Between Mind & Heart..." Enigma
"So one day I came home early and found him on top of the baby sitter!" Judi told Monika.
"What'd you do?"
"Well, before I threw him out on his skinny little adulterous ass, I told him, 'If you're still looking for my erogenous zones, I can assure you they're not on HER!'"
Today is my daughters 18th birthday......I'm so glad that this I my last....damn child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those....damn payments. So I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mothers house and tell her this is the last damn check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to tell me the expression on her face." So my baby girl took the check over to her.
I was so anxious to hear what the b*tch had to say and what she looked like. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "now what did she have to say?"
"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy....."
other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
An American anthropologist has been studying a tribe in Africa by living with them for a year.
One day, the chief called him into the chief's hut.
The chief sighed. "Well, my friend, it seems that we must ask you to leave."
The anthropologist was surprised by this; he thought he had gained the tribe's trust.
"Why, what's the matter?" he stammered.
"It seems that a woman in our tribe has given birth to a baby... a white baby," said the chief.
The anthropologist began to laugh. "Oh, is that all? No, that's just a classic case of albinism. It's caused by inheriting recessive pigment genes and..."
The chief didn't look convinced, so he pointed at a nearby flock of sheep.
"See those sheep? All of them are white except for that one. It's like that!"
The chief was silent for a moment and said, "Listen, you don't talk about the sheep, and I won't talk about the baby."