Funniest Baby Jokes

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Hmm, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."
47 61 61 -61
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss" noise. but every so often there is a "Pop!" noise.

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every tenth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
29 31 31 -31
Memorable Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield:

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No,I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I was such an ugly baby,when I was born the Doctor slapped my Mother.

I went to see my DR, DR.Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well you got it again.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?".He said "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit- of-the-Loom guys giggling.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
24 34 34 -34
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?". Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
24 52 52 -52
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, sir."
24 26 26 -26
Chocolate Test {...No cheating!!}

Take this cute chocolate test to find out your true being.

If you were buying candy and you had your choice of the following,which would you choose?

BABY RUTH
3 MUSKETEERS
BUTTERFINGERS
SNICKERS
HERSHEY'S
ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS
CLARK BAR
GOOD 'n' PLENTY
ENERGY BAR
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS

Ok - Now That We Have Your Choice, This Is What Research Says About You!!!

And NO....you can't change your mind once you scroll down. So think carefully about what your choice will be!

BABY RUTH - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day.

3 MUSKETEERS - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your sabre.

BUTTERFINGER - Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.

SNICKERS - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker - others should be cautious in shaking hands!

HERSHEY - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt.

ALMOND JOY - Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you.

CLARK BAR - You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.

GOOD 'n' PLENTY - You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person.

ENERGY BAR - Life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum.

CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS - You go to the bathroom often.
19 21 21 -21
If you recall the old Hollywood Squares show, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are worth the time it takes to read them. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your parents (or grandparents)!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean? A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"
16 16 16 -16
Notes To The Rural Milkman

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

"Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."

"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."

"Please knock. My television's broken down and I missed last nights 'Sopranos.' If you saw it, will you tell me what happened."

"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."

"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."

"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday...or is it today?"

"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk."

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."
16 16 16 -16
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
15 15 15 -15
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
15 19 19 -19
Blonde as a Mother

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
15 17 17 -17
A young Italian bride was having a talk with her mother on her wedding night.

She said, "Mama, I'va never been with a man before and I'm ascared. Whattama gonna do?"

Her mother says, "Baby, just go to your husband, and you'll know what to do".

So, the nervous bride goes upstairs to her husband and closes the bedroom door behind her.

While she's standing across the room, her husband takes off his shirt.

"Oh, my goodness" she screams as she runs out the door and down the stairs to her mother.

"MaMa, he's a gotta hair all over his a chest!"

Her mother replies, "Honey, that's OK, he's a man, he's supposed to have a hairy chest. Now go up back to your husband."

The nervous bride again goes back upstairs to the bedroom and closes the door. Her husband takes off his pants. "Oh me goodness!" she screams as she runs out the door and down the stairs to her mother.

"MaMa, he's a gotta hair all over his a legs!" Her mother replies, "Honey, that's OK, he's a man, he's supposed to have hairy legs. Now go. Go to your husband."

The nervous bride again goes back upstairs to the bedroom and closes the door behind her. As her husband takes off his socks, she notices that half of his left foot has been cut off, Mafia style.

"Oh my goodness!" she again screams as she runs down the stairs to her mother.

"MaMa, he's a got a foot-and-a-half!"

Her mother says, "A foot and a half? Honey, you stay here, I'm going upstairs"
13 13 13 -13
Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!" Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!"

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?"

His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"

Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a dang good ting we didn't use no WD-forty.
13 13 13 -13
The Man Code:

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. Do not torpedo single friends.

12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"

14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!

16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)

17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.

24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.

26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.

27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.

29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"

31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.

32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.

33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.

34. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.

36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.

37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "fuck off" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.

40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year

41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)

42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

43. The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).

44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.

45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men's gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)

46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.

48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.

49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if its with a girlfriend.

50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.

51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.

52. Masturbate often. (exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)

53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

54. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.

55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.

56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)

57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.

58. There are is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized sporting event)

59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit,, DON’T wear whitey tighty's. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.

60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.

62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.

63. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.

64. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.

65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.

67. If your friend says "Lick my nuts" as a way to put you down, don't try to be funny by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary...

68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!

69. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)

* with every set of laws, there are appropriate punishments. If any man shall happen to break any one of these codes, he will be found guilty, and will, for 24 hours from the time of the violation, be considered NOT A MAN. During this time he will not be referred to in any masculine way, and he shall bear the name Princess.
13 21 21 -21
HEADLINES FOR THE YEAR 2040

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 300 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida Voters still don't know how to use a voting machine
13 19 19 -19
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your porch swing."
12 12 12 -12
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."
12 12 12 -12
One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones. Extending the dolphins' lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman. "Officer," he said, "what's going on?" "You're under arrest," said the policeman. "But why?" he asked. The policeman replied, "For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."
12 14 14 -14
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.

If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.

If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.

The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard
12 14 14 -14
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