Funniest Clean Anti Jokes

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
31 51 51 -51
Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?
A: Because she's dead.
28 40 40 -40
Your mom's so old, she's probably going to die soon.
26 52 52 -52
There's this guy named Jacob. His favorite color is green.
He drives a green car, he has a green house, he lives in Greensboro.
One day, he's out driving in the middle of nowhere when he realizes that he's about to run out of gas.
He spots a green gas station up ahead and thinks to himself "That gas station is my favorite color, so I'll go get gas there."
After he fills his car up he sees that it's getting late outside so he looks around for a hotel he can stay at.
Sure enough, there's a green hotel right across the street.
He thinks to himself "That hotel is my favorite color, so I'll stay there for the night."
He drives across the street to the hotel and walks into the lobby where he is greeted by the clerk.
Jacob asks if there are any rooms left and the clerk responds, "You're just in time, we have only three rooms left but they are all on the 9,999th floor."
Jacob reluctantly takes the key to the room and walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs when he realizes that he left his luggage in the lobby.
He walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs, grabs his luggage, walks back up the 9,999 flights of stairs and enters his room.

There's this guy named Mason. His favorite color is red.
He drives a red car, he has a red house, he lives in Redding.
One day, he's out driving in the middle of nowhere when he realizes that he's about to run out of gas.
He spots a red gas station up ahead and thinks to himself "That gas station is my favorite color, so I'll go get gas there."
After he fills his car up he sees that it's getting late outside so he looks around for a hotel he can stay at.
Sure enough, there's a green hotel right across the street.
He thinks to himself "That hotel isn't my favorite color, but I'll stay there since there are no other hotels around."
He drives across the street to the hotel and walks into the lobby where he is greeted by the clerk.
Mason asks if there are any rooms left and the clerk responds, "You're just in time, we have only two rooms left but they are both on the 9,999th floor."
Mason reluctantly takes the key to the room and walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs when he realizes that he left his car running.
He walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs, turns his car off, walks back up the 9,999 flights of stairs and enters his room.

There's this guy named William. His favorite color is blue.
He drives a blue car, he has a blue house, he lives in Blueville.
One day, he's out driving in the middle of nowhere when he realizes that he's about to run out of gas.
He spots a blue gas station up ahead and thinks to himself "That gas station is my favorite color, so I'll go get gas there."
After he fills his car up he sees that it's getting late outside so he looks around for a hotel he can stay at.
Sure enough, there's a green hotel right across the street.
He thinks to himself "That hotel isn't my favorite color, but I'll stay there since there are no other hotels around."
He drives across the street to the hotel and walks into the lobby where he is greeted by the clerk.
William asks if there are any rooms left and the clerk responds, "You're just in time, we have only one room left but it's on the 9,999th floor."
William reluctantly takes the key to the room and walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs when he realizes that he left his cat in the car.
He walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs, gets his cat, walks back up the 9,999 flights of stairs and enters his room.

The next morning, Jacob wakes up and walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs to go eat breakfast.
He gets a bowl of Fruit Loops, walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs and goes into his room.

Then, Mason wakes up and walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs to go eat breakfast.
He makes some waffles, walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs and goes into his room.

Then, William wakes up and walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs to go eat breakfast.
He gets a bowl of Fruit Loops, walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs and goes into his room.

The moral of the story?
People prefer Fruit Loops to waffles 2 to 1
22 36 36 -36
Q:What happened when Smokey the Bear started the forest fire?

A: He got arrested just like you would've.
22 42 42 -42
How do you stop a ginger from drowning?
You throw him a lifesaver and tell him to grab on to it.
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Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
20 44 44 -44
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?
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a blonde a brunette and a redhead all went hunting.

After setting up camp the brunette went out and came back with a deer. They said "wow how did you get that?" She said "I followed the tracks and BOOM I shot it".

The redhead went out and came back with a moose. The other two said "Wow! How did you get that?!" She said "I followed the tracks and BOOM, I shot it"

The blonde went out and came back all scratched up and bloody they said "Wow! What happened?!?!" and she said "I followed the tracks and BOOM I got hit by a train!"
20 40 40 -40
Q: Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?

A: Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.
18 48 48 -48
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
16 46 46 -46
Why could Jimmy not drive a tractor? Because he had no arms or legs. Why? Because he is a potato.
16 36 36 -36
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?

we are both lawyers
15 35 35 -35
CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."

Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talkshows scheduled.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
15 25 25 -25
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?

I dont know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.
14 28 28 -28
California Vinters in the Napa Valley area. which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Griglo wines have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More
14 20 20 -20
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
13 17 17 -17
Feline Physics

Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, ora nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Law of Cat Elongation - A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction - A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration - A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance - Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration - No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance - A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation - Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Milk Consumption - A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing - A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement - A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
13 19 19 -19
There are two muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "It sure is hot in here". The other muffin says, "Yeah like 350, 375".
12 22 22 -22
Barack Obama.
12 38 38 -38
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