All Funniest Clean Jokes
Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "
You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along a long row of Cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.....right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the Cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on
Things Only A Mom Can Teach
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION....
"Just wait until your father gets home!"
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC ...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE....
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, you're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me about ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold."
My Mother taught me HUMOR ...
"When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never growup."
My Mother taught me about SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS....
"You're just like your father!"
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS....
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite ... JUSTICE....
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....then you'll see what it's like."
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Any change works for a maximum of three holes . . . or at a minimum of not at all.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ......for an 8.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a players down swing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; i.e. backswing 20mph, handicap 15, downswing = 600mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one in wearing the glove.
Hazards attract, fairways repel.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.
"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
I had twelve bottles of whisky in my celler, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else. So I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the drain with the ecception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted tho cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank; pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw tho rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out ot the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drank and drinked the pour. When I had every one emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, and glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the houses in one bottle which I drank.
I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was.
I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish, I didn't know who was me, and the drunker I stood thero the longer I got.
A new and inexperienced waitress tells another waitress she is concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them.
The other waitress explains that tray stands are placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner serves all her lunches successfully, and afterwards asks an elderly couple if everything has been all right.
"It was fine, dear," replies the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?"
Here's a Plan
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.
Big Checks and Banking Woes
The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
A salesman's car breaks down, so he asks a farmer to let him spend the night, and the farmer agrees. In the middle of the night, the salesman wakes up and is really thirsty, so he decides to go to the barn and get some milk from a cow.
Soon, the farmer hears noises coming from the barn and goes to investigate. He then sees the salesman coming out of the barn soaking wet and with a white liquid dripping down his face. The farmer asks, "What happened to you?"
The salesman says, "I just got thirsty, so I milked your cow. It was so dark in there I don't know how I did it. But I'm telling you, that cow has great milk! I must have drank a gallon of it!"
The farmer then stares at him with a puzzled look and says, "But we don't have a cow. We just have the bull..."
Defensive Driving Course
One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.
Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"
The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket."
The officer let him in.
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' "
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
we are both lawyers
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's a f*cking liar!
yo mamma so ugly she tried to enter an ugly contest and the judges said sorry no professionals
The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.
"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."
"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"
"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"
She looked like such a sweet little old lady, driving the cute Volkswagen with a bumper sticker that said, "Grow your own Dope." How sweet, I thought, must be a medical marijuana patient. Then I noticed the rest of her message, "Plant a man."