All Funniest Clean Jokes
A blonde, a brunettes and a redhead all tried out for the same job painting road stripes.
The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.
At the end of the first day the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles.
The boss was so exited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers.
The next day the redhead painted 5 miles, the brunette 5.6 miles and the blonde 4 miles.
The boss told her not to worry, "You still have a good lead.
So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile.
The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so good."
She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."
Guide To Office Language
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Like making the selection that reformats your hard drive.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Going to Heaven
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.
"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."
As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.
As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"
"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."
"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"
"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special!"
With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."
As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"
Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio?"
Yo mama so fat, when she went to Hogwarts for the first time, the sorting hat said "Awwwwww hell 'naw!!"
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
why couldnt the teddy bear eat any more thanksgiving dinner?
he was already stuffed!
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.
The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests.
She said no, and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!".
Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ...!! and suddenly the redhead yelled "TORNADO!"
Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
By now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
Your mom's so old, she's probably going to die soon.
A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida. With his dummy on his knees, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and from reaching our full potential!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"
a blonde a brunette and a redhead all went hunting.
After setting up camp the brunette went out and came back with a deer. They said "wow how did you get that?" She said "I followed the tracks and BOOM I shot it".
The redhead went out and came back with a moose. The other two said "Wow! How did you get that?!" She said "I followed the tracks and BOOM, I shot it"
The blonde went out and came back all scratched up and bloody they said "Wow! What happened?!?!" and she said "I followed the tracks and BOOM I got hit by a train!"
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, sir."
A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along a long row of Cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.....right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the Cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on
Introducing the new, improved MID-LIFE BARBIE:
Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic.
1. BIFOCALS BARBIE: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too), neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. HOT FLASH BARBIE: Press Barbie's belly button and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. FACIAL HAIR BARBIE: As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. FLABBY ARMS BARBIE: Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front too- muumuus with tummy support panels are included.
5. BUNION BARBIE: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. NO-MORE-WRINKLES BARBIE: Erase those pesky crow's feet and lip lines with a tube os Skin Sparkle Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. SOCCER MOM BARBIE: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. Comes with a SUV in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. DIVORCED BARBIE: Sells for $399.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car and Ken's boat.
9. POST-MENOPAUSAL BARBIE: This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things and cries a lot. She is sick of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.
Definitions from The College Dictionary
Cafeteria: From 2 Latin words, "cafe" meaning place to eat and "teria" meaning to wretch.
Major: Area of study that no longer interest you.
Student Athlete: See "contraction in terms."
Grade: Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment.
Summer School: A viable alternative to a summer job.
Quarter: The most coveted form of currency on campus.
Hunger: Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying.
Collected Comments of College Students
He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!
His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.
Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.
This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith.
The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.
Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.
Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever.
Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way to stop it.
I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin that I used while doing the problem sets.
Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
we are both lawyers