All Funniest Clean Jokes
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
A blonde, a brunettes and a redhead all tried out for the same job painting road stripes.
The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.
At the end of the first day the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles.
The boss was so exited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers.
The next day the redhead painted 5 miles, the brunette 5.6 miles and the blonde 4 miles.
The boss told her not to worry, "You still have a good lead.
So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile.
The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so good."
She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."
Things You WON'T Hear Down South
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Who cares who won the Civil War?
You can't feed that to the dog.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
Wrestling is fake.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
The tires on that truck are too big.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts, and would you please bring my salad dressing on the side?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight.
How do you stop a ginger from drowning?
You throw him a lifesaver and tell him to grab on to it.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
52 cards: 1 decacards
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices large sign on the wall:
$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says,
"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.
The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.
She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"
"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
Yo mama so fat, when she went to Hogwarts for the first time, the sorting hat said "Awwwwww hell 'naw!!"
"Doctor, doctor, there's a lettuce sticking out of my bum! Is it serious?"
"I'm sorry to tell you, that's just the tip of the iceberg."
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
There are these two guys driving a car. When the guy driving blows right through the red light.
"Man, you just ran that red light!" the passenger said.
"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver.
Well, they continue to drive when the guy went flying through another stop light.
"You ran ANOTHER stop light. You are going to get us killed!!" exclaimed the passenger.
"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!" the driver said.
After a while they came to a green light when the guy stopped.
"Why are you stopping?" the driver turned around and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
St Peter is receptionist at the entrance of Heaven. A cat shows up and St Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."
Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."
St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."
Next, a group of mice appeared and St Peter greeted them and said: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you have always wanted."
The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"
St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."
Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"
Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that 'Meals on Wheels' thing was a nice touch, too!"
The Perfect Man
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want,get a TV!"
Yo mama so fat that when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her 10 years to live.
Three old Italian spinsters die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.
The first spinster says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the old spinster.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The old gal then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Guide To Office Language
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Like making the selection that reformats your hard drive.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida. With his dummy on his knees, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and from reaching our full potential!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"
Going to Heaven
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."