All Funniest Jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
A: An offer you can't understand.
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A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office one day and the doctor is bowled over by her stunningly good looks and all his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I'm here!"
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Q: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop-off, and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

A: Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.
97 121 121 -121
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
93 191 191 -191
Why Does Ariel wear seashells?
Because she can't fit into D-shells
93 147 147 -147
It was Greg the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words."

He said, "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".
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A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" the young woman asks.

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
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Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
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During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
63 93 93 -93
A blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learned how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5, 6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.

"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.

"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."
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A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde
woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is
blonde and is a proffesional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde
and is a proffesional wretler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
61 81 81 -81
A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be?

one boy said, "I would choose gold. Its worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette."

Another boy said " I would want platinum because its worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."

the teacher said, "Johnny, What would you want?

Johnny said "I would want silicone."

"Why would you want silicone?" Asked the teacher

"Well my mom got some, he replied. And there's always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway
58 68 68 -68
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
57 75 75 -75
A sadist, a rapist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, and a masochist were all sitting together on a park bench.

The sadist said "hey, I got an idea. Why don't we get a cat and torture it?"

The rapist replied "yeah, we can torture it and have sex with it after!"

The murder enthusiastically chimed in "and then we kill the thing!"

And the necrophiliac added "yeah, and then we can have sex with it again after it's dead!"

They all nod in agreement, and then turn to the masochist, who looked at them all and said "Meow."
56 104 104 -104
Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
54 68 68 -68
Q: Why was the blonde so happy after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2 to 4 years.
52 80 80 -80
This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor.

"Doctor I think I have the crabs."

"When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks.

"I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied.

The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her.

After the examination he said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs. The bad news is you've got fruit flies."

"Fruit flies?" asks granny.

"Yeah," says the doctor. "Your cherry rotted."
51 101 101 -101
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
48 78 78 -78
There's this guy named Jacob. His favorite color is green.
He drives a green car, he has a green house, he lives in Greensboro.
One day, he's out driving in the middle of nowhere when he realizes that he's about to run out of gas.
He spots a green gas station up ahead and thinks to himself "That gas station is my favorite color, so I'll go get gas there."
After he fills his car up he sees that it's getting late outside so he looks around for a hotel he can stay at.
Sure enough, there's a green hotel right across the street.
He thinks to himself "That hotel is my favorite color, so I'll stay there for the night."
He drives across the street to the hotel and walks into the lobby where he is greeted by the clerk.
Jacob asks if there are any rooms left and the clerk responds, "You're just in time, we have only three rooms left but they are all on the 9,999th floor."
Jacob reluctantly takes the key to the room and walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs when he realizes that he left his luggage in the lobby.
He walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs, grabs his luggage, walks back up the 9,999 flights of stairs and enters his room.

There's this guy named Mason. His favorite color is red.
He drives a red car, he has a red house, he lives in Redding.
One day, he's out driving in the middle of nowhere when he realizes that he's about to run out of gas.
He spots a red gas station up ahead and thinks to himself "That gas station is my favorite color, so I'll go get gas there."
After he fills his car up he sees that it's getting late outside so he looks around for a hotel he can stay at.
Sure enough, there's a green hotel right across the street.
He thinks to himself "That hotel isn't my favorite color, but I'll stay there since there are no other hotels around."
He drives across the street to the hotel and walks into the lobby where he is greeted by the clerk.
Mason asks if there are any rooms left and the clerk responds, "You're just in time, we have only two rooms left but they are both on the 9,999th floor."
Mason reluctantly takes the key to the room and walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs when he realizes that he left his car running.
He walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs, turns his car off, walks back up the 9,999 flights of stairs and enters his room.

There's this guy named William. His favorite color is blue.
He drives a blue car, he has a blue house, he lives in Blueville.
One day, he's out driving in the middle of nowhere when he realizes that he's about to run out of gas.
He spots a blue gas station up ahead and thinks to himself "That gas station is my favorite color, so I'll go get gas there."
After he fills his car up he sees that it's getting late outside so he looks around for a hotel he can stay at.
Sure enough, there's a green hotel right across the street.
He thinks to himself "That hotel isn't my favorite color, but I'll stay there since there are no other hotels around."
He drives across the street to the hotel and walks into the lobby where he is greeted by the clerk.
William asks if there are any rooms left and the clerk responds, "You're just in time, we have only one room left but it's on the 9,999th floor."
William reluctantly takes the key to the room and walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs when he realizes that he left his cat in the car.
He walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs, gets his cat, walks back up the 9,999 flights of stairs and enters his room.

The next morning, Jacob wakes up and walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs to go eat breakfast.
He gets a bowl of Fruit Loops, walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs and goes into his room.

Then, Mason wakes up and walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs to go eat breakfast.
He makes some waffles, walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs and goes into his room.

Then, William wakes up and walks down the 9,999 flights of stairs to go eat breakfast.
He gets a bowl of Fruit Loops, walks up the 9,999 flights of stairs and goes into his room.

The moral of the story?
People prefer Fruit Loops to waffles 2 to 1
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