Funniest Dirty Alcohol Jokes

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick! We're leaving."
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53 Ways to piss off a cop

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. Touch him.

7. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

8. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

9. Refer to him by his first name.

10. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

11. When he says no, cry.

12. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

13. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

14. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

15. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.

16. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."

17. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

18. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

19. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

20. Trip and fall into him.

21. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

22. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

23. Chew on the pen, nervously.

24. Clean your ear with the pen.

25. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

26. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....

27. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

28. Act like you are retarded.

29. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

30. Mumble to yourself.

31. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

32. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......

33. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

34. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

35. Ask if he watches Cops.

36. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

37. Giggle if he did.

38. Talk to your hand.

39. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

40. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

41. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

42. Try to sell him your car.

43. Ask if you can buy his car.

44. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

45. Play with the siren.

46. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

47. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

48. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

49. Turn your head and whistle.

50. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

51. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

52. Tell him you like men in uniform.

53. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken.
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A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could.

Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out! The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over. The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
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Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick! We're leaving."
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A cop pulls over a blonde because her car is weaving all over the road. When he bends down he can smell booze on her breath.

"I'm going to give you a breath analyzer test to see if you're under the influence of alcohol", he says.

She blows up the balloon, then he walks it back to the police car to run the test.

He comes back to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."

"You mean it shows that as well?" she gasps.
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is with alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Christine, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, we're getting out of here."
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A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
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The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that beer actually does make you smarter..... "One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went: Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Don't you feel smarter after a few?
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WHAT DO YOU CALL A PERSON WHO KILLED HIMSELF ON ALCOHOL??

SUI-CIDER
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A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
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Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

isnt the World Great!
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A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary in London, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Boudreaux the coon-ass from Louisiana, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken
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