All Clean Jokes
A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town.
At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he this time he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."
He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
After teaching high school for nearly 20 years, I thought I'd heard every possible excuse for missing homework until one parent sent me this note: "Please excuse Lori for not having her algebra homework. The cat had kittens on it last night."
Yo mama so stupid she went to the orthodontist to get a blue tooth
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the Internet, he has every Iinternet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead that the man wouldn't jump off the bridge and the readhead accepted.
Well, sure enough, the man jumped and so the blonde gave the redhead the 50 bucks. "I can't take this, you're my best friend."
The blonde looked at her, "Just take it."
"Well, I saw this on the 5;00 news, so I knew he was gonna jump off."
The blonde laughed, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.
'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'
A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.
The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests.
She said no, and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!".
Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ...!! and suddenly the redhead yelled "TORNADO!"
Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
By now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Politically Correct Guide To The Ladies
She does not have thunder thighs; she develops a Child Rest Area Facility.
She is not talkative; she is a Conversational Opportunist.
She does not get lost all the time; she is Deceptively Directionally Challenged.
You do not buy her a drink; you make a down payment on a recreational facility.
She does not fart and belch; her closest pet is Gastronomically Expressive.
She is not a gold digger; she prefers Economic Differential Relationships.
She does not have a rich daddy; she is the poster child for the "Happily Ever After Foundation"
She is not afraid of lack of commitment; she is Polygamously Challenged.
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim and shoots, killing the alligator and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!"
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads
WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!
The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads,
NOW THERE ARE TWO!
Note: This riddle must be done In your head and not using paper and a pen.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?
(scroll down for answer)
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"
At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."
Top Ten Changes to Cable Television
10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View".
9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just won't work.
8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal.
7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.
6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try.
5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.
4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.
3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.
2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do.
1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."
Two Bear Hunters
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"
Here's a Plan
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.